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Another blogger commented recent on my post about feeling sexually deprived while still being surrounded by sexuality.  Because it was left as a public comment, I feel no compulsion to maintain the anonymity of chely5150, but it was lengthy enough that I decided to go ahead and respond publicly, as I have before.

I classify this correspondence as more misplaced rage, and I invite chely5150 to read that post, as it applies here. In summary, chely5150 suggests that Ashley’s lack of interest in sex is likely my fault. She cites her own experiences with an unfaithful husband and a lack of love and respect in their marriage as a reason for her own disinterest, and says that such could contribute to our situation. (It is worth noting that my and Ashley’s sex life has improved substantially from what it was in the roughly two years since writing the post eliciting her comment.)  Snippets and responses are as follows, and you can read the full comment on the original post.

I was, AM the wife who wants to explore and discover all things sexually together with my husband and we did, until the emotional covert emotional abuse began. After years of abuse, so perfectly concealed behind the facade of our perfect little family… I became Ashley. I no longer found that much pleasure [in the man] who adored and loved my body but NEVER could find the need to adore and love ALL OF ME!

I can certainly see how emotional abuse could make you lose sexual interest in your partner.  But let me be perfectly clear–that has never happened in our relationship.  For whatever problems Ashley and I may have had, we have never been abusive toward one another, and she has always insisted that I am the most loving, compassionate person she has ever known, and that I am an excellent care giver and provider for her.  One could arguably define my infidelities as “covert abuse”, to use your phrasing, but frankly, I wouldn’t. Sure, it’s scummy, but I would not go so far as to call cheating “abusive behavior”. (But I invite psychologists/counselors to provide evidence to the contrary.)

So, right out the gate, your experiences do not apply to us.  But let’s continue.

And I began to loathe the man who could treat everyone (pretty much) with such love and care and respect that I HATED evry thing about him.

If I understand you correctly, you’re suggesting that you hated him for loving and respecting everyone around him, but not yourself? I can also see how that might be painful. But it also strikes me as slightly selfish and demanding of you. I obviously can’t speak to your personal situation, and I have no desire to belittle or demean you, so I will simply let that comment stand as is.

And yet I loved him, I tried to leave him a couple of times but could never fully escape. After many years of depression I decided if we were going to stay together dammit I was going to make it better for us. And we did (yeah ah huh) and others thought too until the day I discovered his affair. And then weeks later when I discovered so much so- it has been excruiciating to say the least.

Ahh, and now we come to the point of this message.  Your husband cheated on you, and you see much of him in me and what I write.  Fair enough, I suppose.  Lord knows I’m a cheater.  But if I may ask, have you determined *why* your husband cheated on you?  Have you given any thought as to whether you may have done something, or a series of somethings, that might make him want to fuck someone else?  Or is it genuinely that he is simply a cheater?  Note that both are plausible, but given the resentment you display toward him, the evidence would suggest that unhappiness on his part might have caused his behavior.  Again, I don’t have the complete picture, so I can’t say definitively.  But have you considered that the fault may not lie solely with him?

They say I have PTSD, but I just go forward…..

May I encourage you to seek counseling for that?  PTSD following such an event is, to my understanding, a common reaction, and you may very well be suffering from depression.  Please, dear reader, see someone.  I suspect my close friend Hyacinth might be able to offer guidance here.

So while I fucking hate you with all my being…

I bet you’d love me if we met.

…I respect the fact that you are being honest…

Oh. Well, thanks.

…as much as one could expect honesty from a LIAR…

My, that’s awfully manic of you.

…being on the other side of those sheets and knowing but not knowing is probably the hardest thing to live with.

This is something that, again, doesn’t really apply to me.  If Ashley were to find out about my infidelities, I would own them.  Once caught, you’re done for.  Best to fess up to it and hope to salvage something from the wreckage than to pretend the boat didn’t crash.  But, in your case, you have my condolences.  Knowing but never receiving a confession is a good way to breed resentment and often prevents any sort of closure.

Maybe just maybe You had something to do with your wifes sex needs diminishing. If it went away there is a reason.

By Ashley’s own admission, her lack of sexual interest stemmed from three things: 1) experiencing physical pain from having sex with me due to my girth (which, thankfully, has resolved since we have begun fucking more regularly); 2) insecurity due to gaining weight post-marriage; and 3) a lack of sexual experience sufficient to keep up with my own interests.  She has since come out of her shell, remarkably so, and our sex life and marriage have never been better.

Who the fuck died and made you GOD? What makes you think you deserve to have your every desire fulfilled?

I never claimed to be God, or that I deserved to have my every desire fulfilled.  To suggest otherwise would imply you haven’t read all of my work.  (Not that I expect you to.  Hence, my response.)  I have long struggled with controlling my sexual urges, balancing them against my desire for a fulfilling and loving marriage.  But when you go months at a time without having sex, the ability to resist–hell, the *desire* to resist–disappears.

No man “deserves” to get laid, regardless of marital status.  A woman’s body is her own, and she gets to decide what she does with it, and when.  Period.  But, relationships are partnerships, and if one partner is not sexually fulfilled, well, don’t be surprised if he/she seeks that fulfillment elsewhere.

Maybe if YOU put as much effort into your marriage-not just sexually either, you wouldn’t have put yourself and Ashley (although unbeknown to her) into such a lose/lose marriage.

No one who knows me can accuse me of not putting effort into my marriage.  I haven’t written about it much, but Ashley and I have been to several counselors, alone and together, in pursuit of a “fixed” marriage.  We have spoken at length about it over coffee, breakfast, drinks.  We have cried together because we thought we were failing.  And we have celebrated our not-so-recent upswing.  And, from a domestic standpoint, she and I are true partners, sharing evenly the housework and financial burdens.  Not to brag, but she calls me “the perfect husband”.  (I am far from it, mind, but it makes me smile when she says it.)

Do yourself a favor decide which you want. Can’t have both little boy, don’t work like that! You should show Ashley the respect she deserves and let her choose for herself- No one gave you that privilege. It’s not right -if you love her as much as you say you do GIVE HER THAT RESPECT.

I don’t love and respect anyone enough to give them that, because I am selfish.

Please don’t let my differing opinion affect the fact that I enjoyed your writing, I find it brutally honest and appreciate knowing the thoughts of a sex addict as I am discovering that I have been married to one for a long time.

Well, I do appreciate that, though I would not classify myself as a sex addict.  I once wrote about that possibility, but I don’t think I am so deep into my compulsions to be considered a nymphomaniac.

I am in the deciding process in my marriage, is this what I want for the rest of my life? The jury is still out on that one.

I wish you the best of luck in that.  Choosing whether to continue or end a marriage is not a pleasant endeavor, and I truly hope it works out well for you, chely5150.

Pro tip: You have to take the venom out of your words and be less accusatory if you want me to refrain from responding with so much snark and sarcasm.  Though, admittedly, I use much less of both herein, maybe because I truly sympathize with what you’re experiencing.  Before I was the hopeless cheater I am today, I was cuckolded by the woman I loved, and it left a lasting impression, and I can tell you are hurting.  I don’t want to contribute to that.

Or maybe I’m just going soft in my old age.

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21 Comments

  1. This may have been asked before. Why not come clean to Ashley and go for an open marriage? If she cheated on you would you care?

    • Never asked openly! I do not come clean to Ashley because I know how badly it would hurt her. She would never go for an open marriage, and doesn’t particularly relish the idea of having sex with another person (though she’s coming around to the idea). I would not mind if she slept with someone else–sex is sex, love is love. Thanks for stopping in. 🙂

  2. I agree with both of you. I have never been married and I am young in the grand scheme of things but I understand why you cheated and I understand why she doesn’t want to have sex anymore also.

    The comments written were a little more about the poster than you but your post about your wife going on holiday and you moving another woman in made me feel sick.

    Your sex life has improved. Your wife has finally tried to change things and yet it is still not enough. Now, I believe she had tried harder sooner. But now you are doing the damage.

    The thing is, most women know something is wrong even if they don’t know that they know. It is a feeling. And I wouldn’t be surprised if this rubbed off on her self esteem.

    • Ashley hasn’t simply tried to change things–she *has* changed things. We genuinely have never been happier together than we are now. I acknowledge that what I am doing is wrong on multiple levels, and whatever little justification I may have had before has long since expired. It’s not something I’m proud of, and this certainly isn’t bragging. It’s just the reality of who I am, I suppose.

  3. Wow. I usually just don’t respond to negative comments since I blog to myself. But….wow.

    • I operate under the notion that, since I am putting things out there for public scrutiny (albeit anonymously), the least I can do is respond to every comment, good or bad. 🙂

        • Dearest Russ
        • Posted August 13, 2014 at 6:48 pm
        • Permalink

        I admire that. I suppose I just don’t understand the purpose of commenting if it is soley to bash. I am not all rainbows and sunshine. But I respond to the hens pecking me apart either.

      • Danke schön! Nor do I understand that mentality. I am all about constructive criticism, but outright unsolicited snark is kinda outside my comfort zone.

  4. This person who decided to tear you a new one obviously has some serious damage of her own. I dont agree with “cheating” and hold with the commenter who encourages you to persue an open marriage, but if your wife is so fragile that handling the idea of you with other people would hurt her, you have the evil of kindness. Its inhumane to expect you to sublimate your desires, but at the same time cruel to make her face your infedelity as long as thusfar youve conducted yourself in a way that it doesnt actually touch her. Im not condoning “cheating” but, frankly Im not going to use my expierience to color yours. And yes, sex is sex and love is love. Different as spots and stripes.

    • In truth, I sometimes toy with the notion of coming clean to her. It becomes tiresome trying to maintain the subterfuge, and I rather feel that, if I am ever going to actually stop engaging in this behavior, I will need someone to keep me accountable. Problem is, I don’t want to hurt her. It’s a lose-lose situation at this point in my life: tell her, and hurt her and risk losing her; or don’t tell her, and keep cheating. (I know, the third option is simply, don’t cheat. Easier said than done.)

  5. You’ve got to love people who have nothing better to do than to try to drag you through their own shitshow.

    People mistakenly think that even the most honest of us write every stinking detail of our lives on our blogs, and that just isn’t so. Likewise, the many nuances of your relationship are not completely present here, because Ashley does not read, write, or help you to edit this blog. Relationships are more complex than one person giving a narrative.

    When people come with vitriol they always assume they have the whole story. Sad, really. This is *the* appropriate way to handle them though. If only I could stick a sign around the necks of every commenter like this: “I take out my own anger and issues on strangers rather than work through them.”

    Xoxo

    • Thanks Fatal. I’d wondered how you would respond to this post. 😉

      I really don’t fault this person for responding the way she did. She’s clearly going through some difficult times right now (which is why I tried to keep the sarcasm to a minimum), and what I wrote struck a chord at just the right time to evoke that response.

      But you are absolutely right–what we write in our blogs is incredibly one-sided, and is really just one facet of that side. There is a wealth of information I withhold about my and Ashley’s relationship in order to maintain anonymity, and sometimes because it simply wouldn’t be interesting for others to read, or because it falls outside the theme of this site. I suspect it’s easy for people to forget that so much is lost in blogging because their writing is colored in their perception by their entire day, but their readers never see that day–just the 500-1500 words they threw up in a certain configuration.

  6. Bi, you handled this brilliantly, snark and all. You’re not an impassive third party, you’re the target, so you get to react!

    This woman is clearly scratching through her tears, so to speak, and is feeling completely victimized (and maybe rightfully so, we don’t know for sure).

    If I had to venture a guess, she said everything she’d like to say to her husband. Did you already mention that?? I can’t remember. But anyway, I think you were as kind as necessary to an angry stranger who said she hates you. Boundaries must be kept and all that. xx Hy

    • Oh Hyacinth. How I miss you. 🙂

      Thanks for the encouraging words. I linked you on this because her tone and approach strike me as someone suffering from some kind of depression, and I thought you might be able to help with that. You seem the type to know the appropriate resources to help someone through such a thing. (Which is another way of saying you strike me as a caring and loving person who wants little more than to help others.)

  7. Also: ❤️❤️❤️

  8. H i there Erotic, It’s me chely5150. First let me thank-you for taking the time to respond. It takes time to respond to comments and like you I can be lengthy when writing. My reply to your response is coming soon. I too will reply in the form of a post-watch for it. You might be surprised or not.

  9. Good morning Bi, (as you indicate you would like to be called, I like erotic better, but have it your way) I’ve posted my reply to your reply and am adding the link to get you and your readers there. I’ve read the comments by your readers (and your replies) and I appreciate that you understand that I have been suffering and trying to deal with so much, and I know I got carried away. I fairly accept your rebuttal, I may not agree with it all but I do accept it as your individual opinion. Thanks for your time and I hope there can be no hard feelings, simply different opinions. And since you are very frank in the way you write, I imagine you receive differing opinions in comments you have received, written frankly as well. I do encourage you to think of your dear wife and the hurt that will be bestowed upon her once she discovers (or you admit) your weaknesses. I know that I’d have more respect for a man who chose to fess up, than mine who allowed it to continue even when our relationship was improving. I wish you well.

    Respectfully chely5150

    https://chely5150.wordpress.com/2014/08/17/oops-dont-wanna-stand-on-the-soap-box/

  10. I miss you 😉

  11. The main thing I see with people who cheat is that they take away their partner’s choices by lying to,them. Your wife might like to swing, swap partners, have an affair or divorce you. Kind of an uneven playing field, don’t you think?


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