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Being in a committed, cohabitating relationship is difficult for most people.  It requires changing many things about your day-to-day life.  You hardly ever have true privacy anymore.  You have to share the television and the bathroom, and adapt to the awkward mid-slumber habits of your partner.  Then there are the little things that you often take for granted like when you wake up and go to bed, or where you eat your dinner.  It gets rough sometimes, especially in the early stages of a relationship when you’re still getting used to sorting their laundry from yours and can’t figure out how they like to have to towels folded.  But even when the going gets rough, young couples have something to fall back on: the sex drive of youth.  No matter how frustrated you may get with your partner, you can always release some of that stress in gloriously vigorous make-up sex.

Well, unless you’re me.  I live in a mostly sexless marriage.

I’m not really sure when it happened.  Before we got married, my wife–let’s call her Ashley–had a decent sex drive.  I was her first lover, and she showed real interest in trying new things in bed.  We experimented with different positions and styles of lovemaking.  We christened every room of our house in different ways.  We tried mutual masturbation, toys, movements, basically everything we could think of.  She would tease me in public places by flashing little glimpses of skin or illustrating that she wasn’t wearing anything under a thin dress.  It was this playful yet somehow innocent demeanor, coupled to a naturally athletic and curvaceous body, that held my focus so intently for so long, despite my compulsions to pursue sex wherever and with whomever I could.

But after we got married, she began to change.  It was a gradual shift in behavior–keeping her body covered more, responding less passionately to a kiss, merely laughing when I would suggest trying something new in bed.  We still had fun, sure, but after about a year and a half of marriage, we had begun to have sex every couple of weeks at best, sometimes going as long as a month with nothing more than cuddling on the couch.  My advances, which had once been met eagerly and with more passion than I had ever seen in a woman, were ignored or outright rejected.  No excuses were ever made, just, “No, I don’t want to have sex.”  When asked why, the answer was always, “I don’t know.  I just don’t want to.”

This trend has continued through our entire marriage.  There have been occasional increases in her sex drive, usually following my return from a long business trip, but we regularly go a month or longer without any kind of sexual interaction, despite my best efforts to the contrary.  This is bad enough for your average male, I’m sure, but to me, given my obsession with sex…  The closest analogy that comes to mind is the Allegory of the Long Spoons.  A bunch of starving people sitting around a pot full of food, trying to feed themselves, but the spoons they have are too long to be easily maneuvered into their mouths, and they can never get the nourishment they need.  This is the way I feel every day: malnourished, starved for the one thing I need to get by yet am constantly denied, despite being totally surrounded by it.  So, as I have always done in previous relationships, I get my fix from other places.

Let me be clear: there is no justification for what I do.  If you are reading this blog and thinking that I am a horrible human being, as I suggested in my last post, then you are 100% correct.  I am.  Because I love my wife more than words can describe.  She is the physical embodiment of everything good and decent in this world.  She is, in the most literal sense imaginable, my reason for living, and she deserves all the happiness that this world can muster.  Yet I betray her trust often enough that I have developed a rather strong hatred for myself.  I want more than anything to tell her the truth, to enlist her help in overcoming these urges I have, but that would mean destroying something beautiful, unique, and precious.  I can’t do that to her.

There is no justification.  There is no excuse.  I am a weak, selfish person, consumed by self-loathing and regret.  I know that one day I will be caught, and my life, everything I have and love so dearly, will be taken away, because of that weakness.  But in the moment, when I’m caught up in the act, tangled in bedsheets with some woman I just met a few hours earlier, I don’t think about the risks, the consequences, or the guilt.  The thing that causes me so much pain and worry is the one thing that makes me forget the pain and worry.  So I keep going back to it, and adding another potential nail to my marriage’s coffin.

There it is.  I am not a good or likeable person, dear reader.  Not the real me, anyway.  I put on a good and believable show, but the truth I keep tucked away beneath the already broken promises of faith and loyalty is a grimy, feculent thing.  It hurts to admit it, but there it is.

I think that’s enough introspection for one evening.

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10 Comments

  1. Have you been able to tell Ashley that you’re staving for the hot sex you both once enjoyed so much?

    • Oh yes. It’s been a subject of much debate for some time. She attributes it to 1) having gained a bit of weight since we got married (which I find incredibly sexy, actually) and not feeling as self-confident as she once did, despite my assurances that she is more attractive to me now than ever before, and 2) just not enjoying the act of sex that much, and she can’t bring herself to do anything sexually if she doesn’t feel the urge. She sometimes offers to let me “use her body”, but with the exception of one VERY hot encounter (which I’m sure I will write about soon), this means masturbating while I touch some part of her and she goes about doing whatever she wants to do (usually reading a book).

      Wow, that sounds even more pathetic when I read it.

  2. I don’t think you are a horrible human being at all… just doing what you have to do to keep sane. Yes, its wonderful if you can be faithful – but if you can’t get what you want at home year in and year out and you need it sooooo bad…
    You’re wife sounds lovely and its great that she can be truthful about not wanting to fuck you.
    Don’t feel so guilty – it seems the only way for you – as long as you are not hurting anyone (without their consent)
    Sophiax

    • Thanks Sophiax. Ashley really is a lovely woman, inside and out, and I can’t help but feel guilty for what I do to her. But, as you point out, if you can’t get the things you need at home….

  3. I was just thinking about the fact that Ashley feels self conscious because she has put on a little weight… I remember that feeling well… You may be doing this already – but if you keep telling her she is beautiful etc – even though it might not seem to make a difference it will be helping her self esteem and confidence and may even bring her to feel more sexual again…

    • Oh I know. There is never a day I don’t remark on how beautiful she is. Dressed professionally for work, in gym clothes or simple pajamas. Heck, I even try to point out when I catch other guys checking her out (usually on the elliptical machine at the gym–even the most resilient sports bra can’t stop her from bouncing), just to prove I’m not only saying it to make her feel better. And she always comments on how I can’t take my eyes off of her when she’s changing or going to the shower.

      She knows how attractive I find her. Just doesn’t seem to matter much in terms of our sex life.

  4. I find that photography really stimulates us. Taking pics together reassures her of her beauty and seems to be something that really gets her going. Just a thought. Thanks for sharing so frankly. I understand your issues. Our relationship has never really revolved around sex, but it is a healthy indicator in some cases.

    • I would try that, if I had a single visual bone in my body. Unfortunately, the only real artistic talent I have is writing, and that is amateurish at best.

      Then again, I did once try taking erotic photos of her, but that quickly devolved into pornography. Maybe that will be the subject of another post later on?

      Thanks for the support, by the way!

  5. I imagine that your words are what goes through my husbands mind -endless loop -no end in sight. EXCEPT FOR ONE THING-

    I was, AM the wife who wants to explore and discover all things sexually together with my husband and we did, until the emotional covert emotional abuse began. After years of abuse, so perfectly concealed behind the facade of our perfect little family (although I don’t think we were kiddding anyone), I became Ashley I no longer found that much pleasure who adored and loved my body but NEVER could find the need to adore and love ALL OF ME! So I did what I felt was my wifely duty and we still had sex, sometimnes it was still hot – I have quite the wild side myself. And I began to loathe the man who could treat everyone (pretty much) with such love and care and respect that I HATED evry thing about him. And yet I loved him, I tried to leave him a couple of times but could never fully escape. After many years of depression I decided if we were going to stay together dammit I was going to make it better for us. And we did (yeah ah huh) and others thought too until the day I discovered his affair. And then weeks later when I discovered so much so- it has been excruiciating to say the least. They say I have PTSD, but I just go forward….. So while I fucking hate you with all my being, I respect the fact that you are being honest (as much as one could expect honesty from a LIAR) being on the other side of those sheets and knowing but not knowing is probably the hardest thing to live with. Hell my husband still won’t admit that he had a sexual relationship with her, even though we are and at this point staying together. I’m probably out of my fucking mind! Oh how there is so much more, way too juch for a comment nut then I guess that’s why I have a blog. If I may add my two cents quickly on you, my sex addict author;

    Maybe just maybe You had something to do with your wifes sex needs diminishing. If it went away there is a reason. While being a highly sexual person myself, throughout this I never once cheated-( I’m not holier than thou or anything like that. I grew up around infidelity and just can’t stand it. ) Who the fuck died and made you GOD? What makes you think you deserve to have your every desire fulfilled? Maybe if YOU put as much effort into your marriage-not just sexually either, you wouldn’t have put yourself and Ashley (although unbeknown to her) into such a lose/lose marriage- do yourself a favor decide which you want. Can’t have both little boy, don’t work like that! You should show Ashley the respect she deserves and let her choose for herself- No one gave you that privilege. It’s not right -if you love her as much as you say you do GIVE HER THAT RESPECT.

    Please don’t let my differing opinion affect the fact that I enjoyed your writing, I find it brutally honest and appreciate knowing the thoughts of a sex addict as I am discovering that I have been married to one for a long time. I am in the deciding process in my marriage, is this what I want for the rest of my life? The jury is still out on that one.

    Respectfully, chely

    • Well, thanks for the honest and lengthy response, chely. You may expect a response from me shortly.


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