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I find it entertaining to read the search terms that people use to find me on any given day. There seem to be certain trends that stand out, and my inner academic constantly screams at me to dig more deeply into those trends. So this morning, out of curiosity, I hit the search terms “all time” summary button. The list is much too long to post here, and some of the things people search for that bring them here are genuinely disturbing (i.e., illegal). But the vast majority are amusing or simply interesting, so I feel compelled to share a few of the stand-outs here.

sexsomnia

I have an uncommon form of parasomnia often referred to casually as sexsomnia. It’s basically like sleep walking, or sleep talking, but instead of walking or talking, I fuck. This is seriously a thing. I’ve since learned that, as long as I’m fucking on a regular basis, it doesn’t happen very often, and when it does it’s usually limited these days to a little heavy petting and frottage. If it’s been a while, though…

Ashley sometimes likes to deny me sex for a few days just so I’ll fuck her with abandon in my sleep. It’s kind of sadistic, and slightly masochistic, I think, since I rarely remember anything of the event in question unless I wake up mid-coitus and am, supposedly, much more demanding when I’m asleep. (I can be woken up with a gentle push and a few words, so don’t think I’m all aggressive or anything. It’s just that my subconscious mind is a bit of a go-getter.)

“snake woman” wraps her coils around him

I get a considerable number of hits from this because of a folk story I once told to a couple of adorable little girls. I wonder, what the hell were they looking for?

beautiful sweater puppies

I am terribly fond of natural breasts. Implants just feel… strange. And they often look even stranger when the clothing is removed. I wrote a post on that subject for one MsTitty, before she went MIA. Which is a shame, because I liked her writing (and, frankly, she had an amazing chest). But I can’t blame her. After all, I pulled a similar disappearing act.

deflowering a virgin

There are so many combinations of this one–“deflower a virgin”, “deflower”,”qatar deflower”, “deflower stories”, “true deflower sex stories”, “teach me how to deflower a virgin”, and so on and so forth. It contributes the largest number of hits I get, by a long shot, because I shared a memory of having sex in a pristine forest. I hope that this search term is so common because people are trying to inform themselves as to how to help a woman have sex for the first time in as painless and enjoyable a fashion as possible… but somehow, I doubt it. My inner feminist weeps at that. (Also, I’m sure those few people who find me with “geocaching” also do so because of that post.)

cunnilingus

Ahh. My favorite bedroom activity, by far. I have written so much about this, but probably my favorite post on the subject revolved around Pretty Grad Student. (I just realized, she has no entry in my Players page. I need to fix that.)

young shaved head punks can really fuck

I really love the punk/alt-girl/suicide girl style. Aside from just looking fucking hot, I really admire anyone who can raise a mighty middle finger to modern definitions of style and beauty. That said, I once fucked a woman with a shaved head in my buddy’s bathroom. And yeah, she could really fuck.

bondage shackles story

My ex-girlfriend Kelly once surprised me with a wide assortment of bondage accoutrements before I was mentally prepared for such activities. It really didn’t go well, so I feel sorry for those people who clicked that link only to find a disappointing story.

handle him casual sex bad feelings help 2014

Someone found me yesterday using this phrase. If you’re still reading, feel free to shoot me an e-mail. Let’s chat about that.

I’d be interested to see what my regular readers have in their search terms, so I invite anyone who reads this to do this. If you do so, let me know so I can read them. I’m no sociologist, but I think this is some fascinating stuff!

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10 Comments

  1. I have done this a few times but since I did highlight a particularly disturbing search terms (basically about sex with donkeys) it now has put me even higher on the google search results.

    • My disturbing hits relate to german shepards, and to babysitters and their charges. Kinda leaves me feeling dirty and gross…

  2. My number one search term is “smelly pussy.”
    It’s a story I wrote about a dead cat…
    <— most disappointing search ever

    • I don’t even want to repeat the animal related search phrases. Reeeeeeally disturbing.

      I really like your writing, by the way! Thanks for stopping by, I’ll keep an eye in yours!

      • Oh man, I post the best ones weekly on my Facebook page, well the ones I can edit to ok…still though, there are others I hate even repreating… suck as: “fu**ed my mom while sorting in her lap in the car next to the rest of my family.”
        How does that even relate to my page!?!?!

        Thanks for reading! 😀

  3. “Sweater puppies” always makes me chuckle. I decided to play along. http://yougotomyhead.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/what-makes-you-tick/ If you’re curious.

    This stuff also interests me too. Some of the things people search for making me want to scour my log for where the connection might have been made.

    xoxo

    • I tried to do that on mine and link the relevant posts. There were so many crazy search terms though, it was really hard to pick the ones to post up there. I might do this again in the future.

  4. My icky ones are often something to do with, “I fucked my son.” BARF! I have no clue how Google pointed them to me! My big one is usually “how to squirt” (no biggie there), “fuck my neighbor” (spelled 100 different ways), and “fuck my houseboy”. I had no idea “houseboy” was such a popular term!

    • I wouldn’t have expected that either, but upon consideration, I can see why “houseboy” would be a big hit. Most people like the idea of being waited on hand and foot, and fucking the person doing the waiting is, I imagine, quite the rush…


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  1. […] I’ve definitely tweeted about interesting search terms that people use to find my blog, but Bimodal posted today and sent out an invite to join him, so I thought: I’m bored and I’ve felt rather […]

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