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So, let’s examine the other side of the coin from my last post.

It’s no secret to Tina that my sex life with Ashley has historically been less than satisfying.  In fact, the details of our sexual relationship were one of the first things Tina and I discussed after finally admitting our shared interest in each other: the rarity with which I fuck my wife, her general lack of interest in sexual exploration, and so on.  Tina couldn’t fathom how Ashley could feel that way around me, because she had wanted me for years.  (I can be quite oblivious at times.)  So, she offered to help me relieve some of that tension.  Fast forward to a cold winter’s day reunion, when Tina and I fucked like there was nothing else in the world that mattered.  Our affair was born out of mutual respect, physical attraction, and an acknowledgement that neither of us were even close to living the sexual lifestyle we truly wanted.

When Tina started fucking her new lover, they established that they would tell each other any time they had sex with another person.  This affects him more than her, as he frequently fucks new and random people, and she wants to make informed decisions about her sexual health.  This is an entirely pragmatic arrangement in my mind, and she and I agreed we would be similarly open with one another.  It’s not been much of an issue because I haven’t had any new sexual partners in a while–just her, and Ashley–and she has only slept with him while she’s been away from me.  I understand that she sleeps with him on a regular basis, and I don’t expect her to tell me every time they fuck, but I do expect her to tell me if he sleeps with someone else because I, too, want to be informed about the risks to my sexual health as much as possible.

That’s our arrangement, in a nutshell.  We tell each other if we fuck someone else, share anything that could change our exposure to risk of STIs, and understand that we could be fucking our significant others at any time.

At least, I thought that’s what it was.

It came as a real surprise to me when Ashley suddenly became more sexually active.  For the longest time, literally years, she wasn’t at all interested in sex, and we would go weeks, if not months, at a time without being intimate.  Hence the topic of this blog.  Neither she nor I know what flipped the switch for her, but we now fuck much more regularly than we once did, and she has begun exploring new fantasies and activities with me, including BDSM, pornography, mutual masturbation, female dominance, and other fun and exciting things.  (This is likely the reason I haven’t had any new sexual partners in a long while.  I just haven’t needed them!)  I didn’t share this with Tina because I don’t ask her for similar details of her sexual escapades, and my understanding, as stated above, was that we know the other could be fucking their local partner at any time.

Boy, was that a mistake on my part.

Tina recently asked me who all I had fucked this year.  My answer: just her, and Ashley.  The anger and resentment that followed was truly astounding.

How could you possibly think I wouldn’t want to know if you had sex with Ashley.

What if my lover didn’t tell me he slept with someone else, you would be livid.

I can’t believe you would be so dishonest with me.

I reminded her that I don’t expect her to tell me when she fucks her other lover, and I assumed she felt similarly.  She argued that it was different because she shares a house with him, and she fucks him so regularly it just makes sense that she probably fucked him on any given day.  I countered with, I live in the same house with my wife, and married people fuck sometimes, which I took as a given.  She responded with a bitter comment about the “sanctity of marriage”.

Point is, it was a very, very unpleasant exchange.  She and I are still recovering from the events of that day.  It was a bit of a turning point for us, frankly, and our relationship hasn’t been the same since.  There is an underlying hostility and resentment in her words at times, roiling just under the surface, that she acknowledges because she “is slow to forgive, and never forgets”.  (Her words.)

I wonder, who is at fault here?  Was it unfair of me to assume that we had a mutual understanding?  Or was her response an overreaction to the obvious realities of being in a clandestine relationship?  Admittedly, I could have told her that my sex life with Ashley had been improving, but it seems perfectly reasonable to me that two people in a relationship will occasionally have sex.  I would have told her if I fucked a new person, or if Ashley had fucked someone else and thus exposed me to a new risk (not that that would ever happen, Ashley is depressingly monogamous)… but fucking Ashley is nothing new to me, and doesn’t change my risk exposure.  So I never shared it, because I often didn’t think to, and when I did, I simply didn’t want to chance hurting Tina.

Or, is assigning fault a useless exercise?  Emotions rarely adhere to strict reasonable guidelines.  Tina freely admits that she loves how receptive I am to her being promiscuous, and simultaneously admits that, though she wants me to have that freedom as well, she would probably be terribly hurt by me sleeping with someone else, because she wants me to be hers and hers alone.  So it is entirely plausible that her reaction was born from that jealousy, and thus assigning blame is simply a juvenile response to a natural human inclination.

Really, what it makes me wonder is whether Tina and I are truly compatible.  She is a phenomenal lover, and sex with her is arguably the best I have ever experienced.  She is a gifted professional and a remarkable woman, and I care much more deeply for her than I should.  I wonder whether that depth of feeling and our inability to act on it, and the exposure and vulnerability it brings to our emotional lives, makes us hypersensitive to things that would normally not bother us were we to be together regularly and in a committed fashion.  I’ve no way of knowing, obviously, and there are so many questions and unknowns that I can’t shake this sense of unease I’ve felt for so many weeks.

Perhaps I should just let it go, let the relationship end, but the thought of not having her in my life is extraordinarily painful.  So ever onward do I trudge through discontent and melodrama.

Perhaps I just need a vacation.

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12 Comments

  1. My guess is that she thought, deep down, that she had trumped Ashley when it came to importance in your life. At least in the ways that matters to her. So yes. She would be terribly jealous of your wife. Sticky situation, eh?

    If you want suggestions on vacation destinations, let me know. 😉

    • Sticky indeed. Sadly, not in the fashion I would like, but such is the reality of a long distance clandestine affair.

      I am actually planning a trip to the good ol’ You-Ess-of-Eh in late October. I wonder if anyone from these parts will be near my destination…

      • Such is the reality indeed. And as to late October… things could be arranged.

      • Well then. Maybe we should have a conversation sometime soon.

  2. I couldn’t agree more with Marian. It’s easy to feel superior as a lover, when the physical relationship with a spouse isn’t great. I wouldn’t have said anything either about when you slept with your wife.

    • Strangely enough, I considered not telling her, but I simply didn’t want to lie to Tina. Though, in retrospect, I rather wish I had.

  3. Wait, let me get this right. You had sex with your wife, who lives at your house and shares your bed? What are the chances of that? Given your arrangement with Tina, I don’t think you did anything wrong at all.

    • I tend to agree with you, but I can also see her side of it, in that she wants to be informed as to the state of my marriage and how my sex life is going. I agree with Marian’s opinion that this probably has to do with pride and a sense of ownership on Tina’s part, so I’m not sure it’s a justified sentiment. But thanks for the support brother. 🙂

  4. I was watching the second season of The Tudors the other night when Anne Boleyn got angry with Henry having to share a bed with his wife or risk possible counter suit by denying his wife her conjugal rights. I cannot find the exact quote but her outrage at the idea that he would share a bed with his wife is by far one of the more perplexing reactions that ‘ the other women’ sometime have to the married men they are sleeping with.

    I think your gut instincts are in line with what I believe – long distance relationships, be them primary or secondary, or affairs that are not as frequent in nature, burn hot and do not suffer well when the physical intimacy is forced to be maintained online. Words have meaning and though we try our best to keep in touch, keep those feelings boiling; we have no control over how the other person reads and interprets them.

    I hate to put gender roles and expectation in a relationship; though I would find her reaction to be illogical, you are correct in that logic has little to do with emotions and that happens with both sexes when love/control comes into the picture. I am not very confident in people’s ability to handle the role of lover as they once used to be, it is something that has gone the way of Hollywood and politics clouded by scandal instead of the it being a very important role in the lives of people that actually can benefit everyone (even if the wife does not know it).

    Something you should consider, because I certainly do love my lover, that she might have misinterpreted intention or sentiment for something more serious?

    Can one commit to another person whilst still being married – there are so many variables but it would not be the first time I have heard the lamentation of a mistress when confronted with the truth that her lover, a married man, does in fact still love and desire his wife above all else.

    I do not possess a jealous nature but I can see it in others – I am not sure if she is jealous or just being her. Perhaps it was a knee jerk reaction on her part, even she did not take the time to think on it before saying something to you, and talking about it made things worse. She would have reason to feel that she would be missing out on your affection should things resolve with your wife but I am disappointed to read that she would not be happy for you if that were the case.

    Not to get all ‘dude’ on you but girls are messy. My husband always says ‘why the hell would I want another one when I can barely grasp the one I have’ and I feel for you, I do. I might come off as cold but renegotiating an already existing agreement is just so much work. Not that some people aren’t worth it but when it is on the side, a secret, the risk goes up when someone exposes themselves unable to handle the situation. And in my experience, it is going to come up again and again and again…

    For me, I would rather put that time into what I have than something I will never have but that is me, what is done is done what matters now is what is going to happen and a lot of the time from this point on it is not going to be how it was.

    Hate to pat you on the back and say good luck buddy but – good luck!

    • Wow. Thanks very much for the lengthy response, Pyx. Yes, I suspect that much of her reaction was borne out of the assumption that I did not find pleasure in my wife anymore. She did not take it well when she learned otherwise. We have spoken since then, but with much less frequency, and she has been decidedly absent most of the time. I find it difficult these days to balance my relationship with her, and that with my wife, because of the intense sensation of regret and guilt I feel for disappointing her. But I also care deeply enough for her that I don’t want to simply step away from it if I don’t have to. It’s a sticky situation. But, I appreciate the back-patting. 😉

      • I type really really fast and tend to ramble on and on.

      • I type fast only when I know precisely what I want to say, which is usually not the case. I dwell too much on getting the right words down. 🙂 But I like reading in-depth responses, actually, so don’t worry, you are welcome to ramble here any time you’d like!


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