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I recently chatted with an acquaintance I met through this site. Maybe not acquaintance–friend now? I’m not sure yet, and I hate assigning labels to developing relationships, but if you read this post, friend-quaintance, I think you’re just the best.

Man, I get side-tracked easily. Gotta work on that.

Anyhow. Said friend-quaintance commented that they admire my self-awareness and honesty. Though flattered, those are two qualities that I would never expect anyone to apply to me. I certainly make every effort at introspection, the better to understand myself and my interactions with the people around me, but I wouldn’t say I’ve been particularly good at it. And those times that I successfully nailed down whatever thing was stewing about in the back of my mind, I probably didn’t actually do anything about it because I am primarily driven by three desires. They are, in no particular order: 1) to learn and understand everything, 2) to avoid conflict at most any cost, and 3) to fuck as often and passionately as possible.

That last one is a real doozy, and doesn’t really mesh with the second one. Most people I have ever known don’t have my libido. My current lover, Tina, certainly does, and on our business trip we fucked every afternoon and evening, at least once, usually twice or three times, and would have gone for a fourth round if we hadn’t had to be up early for work.

What can I say, I have a really short refractory period. Multiple orgasms isn’t possible (*sigh*), but four times a day isn’t too difficult for me.

But that’s why she’s my lover. Most people don’t seem to be like that. So, when Desire Number Three kicks in, if my wife can not or will not satisfy the urge, and my lover is not available, then I have to find it someplace else.

…well, “have to” is strong phrasing. It’s not as though it’s a necessity. But I’m sure we can all agree that the need to fuck is a powerful motivator. Sadly, the other people in my life would certainly not take well to my promiscuous endeavors, and so I am driven to craft elaborate and entirely believable lies and scenarios that permit me to engage in my infidelities without upsetting Desire Number Two.

But, I sometimes wonder what it would be like, not to be dishonest. Not that I think I would be any good at true openness and transparency, mind you. Deception is too much a part of who I am at this point. But if I were to do that… what would it even look like? What would it take? I am only ever truly honest on this site, because this is about as safe and accepting a place as exists for me to share the things I think about and struggle with. I can’t really imagine what an honest relationship would be, because I’ve never seen or experienced one. I’m not sure they exist. Like a really communicative sasquatch.

I can say, however, that if I were to really try at that kind of honesty, it would only be for a woman who was every bit as sexual as I am. She would have to be able to read this blog and not be terrified. She would be accepting of how much I struggle with these things, and rather than judge me for them, she would experience them with me. She would share my sexually debauched lifestyle in every way. Swing by my office for a quickie over lunch. Bring home a random man or woman she met at a bar, and let me watch them fuck her. Wake me in the morning by straddling my face. Plan a weekend involving a premium hotel suite, pizza (because room service is for chumps), four bottles of wine, and an arsenal of new dildos, vibrators, masturbators, restraints, and lingerie.

Hmm. That last one sounds a bit pedestrian when you say it that way. But you lock me in a hotel room with my dream woman for 60 hours and there is no telling what will happen. They’d probably have to burn that bed.

It’s likely such a woman exists, somewhere, but sadly I’ve never met her. If I did, I imagine I would be willing to communicate anything and everything she wanted for another chance to ride that particular unicorn.

Or sasquatch, if I want to continue that metaphor. But “riding the sasquatch” sounds incredibly dirty.

Tina comes close. Probably closer than any woman I have ever been with. But she has her reservations as well, and is not nearly the go-getter I am when it comes to sex. She’s also not a morning person, so straddling my face first thing when she wakes up probably will never happen.

Which is a goddamned shame, because fuck waking up to the smell of coffee, I want to wake up to the smell and taste of a woman. Hence my previous post.

Though coffee is a close second.



  1. Those women exist. I promise. Finding men that are the same is just as difficult.

    • Yeah, I’m sure they do. Hell, I think I know a number of them through this community. But meeting them in person has yet to happen. Two potential exceptions include Kelly and Tina, but there are substantial caveats to those examples…

      • I find it a challenge because most men are threatened by it if they aren’t the same. I’ve communicated with one or two men through online dating who were similar, and noticed some male bloggers with the same outlook…but meeting people in person is a whole other thing, since my blog is confidential.

  2. I commiserate with you in that I can never seem to find the elusive unicorn either. I can always find someone who is -almost- there. Someone who I adore, who is a best friend, but could never be my sexual equal. Or someone who is my best friend and the best lover I’ve ever had… but there could never be something romantic between us. I’m very good with the latter right now, because I’m so over being in a relationship, and I’ve got things to do. But someday I might want a boyfriend or a husband even, and I worry that, like in all my relationships, I will end up continuing the cycle of lies and deception, because my needs aren’t being met.

    I might continue the cycle even if my needs are being met. It feels like too much a part of me to stop now. And I wonder if a little part of me doesn’t like it, even. I lie out of necessity, for the most part. But sometimes, when I get away with a rather heinous deception… I find myself rejoicing. Just a little. Like a bump of adrenaline. It could be that I like the perpetual chase, that I like playing games. It could just be that I’m a terrible person, but I don’t find that I’m any more terrible than anyone else. I’m just… smarter and a little quicker on the draw. And I think you’re that way too.

    Someday, maybe you’ll find your unicorn. Or it could be that you never find her, and you continue to find fun “substitutions” rather than that “solution.”


    • I can agree with pretty much everything you say here. Ashley is my best friend and companion, but she will probably never be where I am sexually because she is too conservative about sexuality. Tina is there sexually, and is also a tremendous friend, but we differ so strongly on some issues that I feel we could never be truly together. And everyone else is just for fun.

      Not that I’d be opposed to having someone else who isn’t just for fun. But who else would be worth that kind of effort? Someone with whom I share a strong connection in every conceivable way. But I’ve not met them yet, sadly.

      I agree with that assessment, that we both get a thrill out of the game. I like to think of myself as relatively “drama free” (pardon me as I dip into the lexicon of my undergraduate days), but my lifestyle pretty much breeds drama. I simply keep it contained by playing the games I play.

      It would be nice to find my solution. But I do genuinely love Ashley. And Tina. So I’m not sure if there is a solution, at this point. But until then, I can be content with substitution.

  3. This post sounds all too familiar…coffee has been my savior more times than not…

    Tooo bad my tits are fake 😮

    • Not *all* fake breasts are unpleasant, mind you. I’m told that a lot of it has to do with the doctor’s skill, the type of implant, and the time since the implant was performed because they look better with time. As with so many things, this is just a general rule. I have had a couple of sexual partners with implants, and some of them were surprisingly wonderful. 😉

      • Oh, no… not mine. I got hacked! Wrote a story about it in here somewhere! Lol lol

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