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When I got up this morning, after a long night of debauchery, I stumbled downstairs and checked my phone.  Through bleary eyes, I saw a message from Marian.  And another.  And another.  And another.

Hey, are you doing anything today?  I thought we could grab lunch.

Are you there?

Are you mad at me?

You don’t have to ignore me.

Real mature, asshole.

Umm.  Okay.

A few seconds later, I tapped out the following response:

Sorry, was out late with a colleague. Got up late, didn’t mean to miss your messages. But you just crossed the fine line between concerned and crazy bitch. So, we’re done. Don’t bother contacting me again.

I know it was one time, but really, one time is all it takes.  I feel like I narrowly avoided a really bad situation here.  Like I was bending backward Matrix-style while bullets of crazy whizzed past me at a speed of batshit bonkers.  I’m The One, people.

Me:  “So what, you’re saying I can dodge bitches?”
Morpheus:  “No, Bi.  I’m saying, when you’re ready… you won’t have to.”

I don’t know why I find that so very amusing.  I think it’s the residual bits of exhaustion.  I haven’t had quite enough coffee this morning.

Fuck, is it even morning anymore?

That’s it.  Yoga.



  1. Uh Oh! She let the crazy lady within escape!!!! Your response was perfection piped in buttercream frosting with a side of strong espresso.

  2. Hahahahaha oh, this tickles me so. Should we call you Bio now? I’ve gotten these types of messages before. I generally just ignore the person forever afterward, but I like the direct approach you took very much. Good times!

  3. This really made me laugh. You bring out the crazy like Santa brings out the presents. I adore your stories. Lol

    • thewhitetrashgourmet
    • Posted May 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    Blunt! Love it. Women could learn a lot from you.

  4. Three cheers for narrowly avoided boiled rabbit on the stove.

    • Haha! Well said, Fatal!

  5. Smart man. As a woman I can tell you that yes, insecurity lays within, obviously not too deep.

  6. Bi – 🙂

    Much love… GC

  7. another reason why i could never cheat, the craziness that occurs from a casual relationship is often much worse than the craziness of a full blown relationship. I couldn’t deal with both at the same time never mind the particular brand of crazy that casual relationships bring, I Mean come on what if you were doing something with your wife? if you don’t have the patience to be the other woman don’t get involved! I hope she doesn’t cause you any trouble in the future.

  8. lol, perfection

  9. Yep – boiled bunny waiting to happen there. Great exit strategy.

  10. Love your typed back response!! xx

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