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I wrote an entry on how to ruin an ongoing affair.  Then I wrote one on how a good cheater cons his/her partner.  Seems only fitting that I conclude this polyamorous trifecta with a piece on how to avoid being cuckolded.

As I said in my last post, there is a prevailing belief that it is easy to spot a cheater, male or female.  The behavior of a cheater changes after the deed is done.  They become reclusive, or secretive.  They don’t want you to look at their phone.  They come home smelling different.  They say things that don’t quite make sense.  They don’t want to be physically intimate.  They are quick to anger, or become excessively defensive at the slightest suggestion of impropriety.  Most people believe it on some level, and to those who do, I write this post for you.

My mother has always told me that I was born with “the Devil’s own charm”.  My dad told me I could “sell ice to an Eskimo”.  Ashley says I could “talk my way out of prison”.  Kelly calls me a “charismatic stallion”.  Hank and my other college friends refer to me as Jedi, because “it’s like you work the Jedi mind trick on every girl you fuck”.  (I wear that moniker with a bit of pride, actually, due to the associated backstory.  Maybe I’ll share someday.)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again–I’m a smooth talker, an entertainer, a stealer of spotlights.  I’m good at reading people face-to-face, and I know how to work a crowd, or a single person.  And before I met Ashley, I put those skills to use for a single purpose: fucking as many girls as possible.  I first noticed and became concerned about my sexual inclinations while dating Kelly, but it was Ashley that made me want to somehow improve myself.  (Not that I’ve succeeded, mind you.)  Once I started college and realized how large the population of potential sexual partners on campus was, I became that guy that most girls I’ve talked to are afraid to meet.  I used every trick in the book, and a few that aren’t, to get a girl in bed, with little to no regard for the greater impacts of my behavior.  As I said, 300 is a very conservative estimate, associated with a frequency distribution that tapered back a bit after my marriage.  It’s a number I was once proud of, but that I now regard with extreme distaste.

I know I repeat this fairly often, but I’m not bragging.  Hurting people is not something to brag about, and I pity you if you do.  I say this merely to provide context.

When I was single, Hank and I would go “skeet shooting”.  (Those of you familiar with both sport shooting and hiphop will get the double entendre.)  He and I would pick a location, usually a bar or club, and we would each take a girl home with us.  Note I didn’t use the word “try”.  We never failed because we knew exactly what to look for: a mixed-sex group with mostly women.  A ratio of 1 man to 2 women is ideal, because usually the men will be in relationships with someone in the group, and the other two, typically, will be unattached.  They’re out for a “good time”, but really, they’re looking for a relationship.  (Don’t ask me why.  I don’t know.  That’s just how it always works out.)  You target that girl and, through the measured application of ethanol and conversation, make yourself the most suave, likeable son of a bitch they and their friends have ever met.  I never went home alone.

However, when I was in a relationship (and yes, this includes today), I had to be careful about the girls I bedded.  The hunt became less about picking a single girl and going to town, and more about reading the girl, measuring her personality and determining whether she would be an easy mark.  There’s no one characteristic that I looked for, but rather a suite of qualities that make a woman an ideal candidate for cheating.

Basically, imagine a quality that would prevent you from being successfully lied to.  That’s exactly what I look for.  For example, exceptionally smart people tend to have a routine that’s easy to plan around, and if you know what they believe makes a cheater, presenting yourself in an opposing manner is simple.  It’s usually things I mentioned in the second paragraph, and I can’t stress how easy those things are to fake.

Jealous women are another easy target, those that like to check in on you at work, follow you, read your e-mail, etc.  You set them up to fail before ever cheating.  Not once, or twice, but several times.  Do something you know will make them doubt and arrange for them to “catch” you doing nothing wrong.  Do it over and over again, and every time, embarrass them.

For instance, long ago, before I began to even consider changing my ways, I had to “break a girl in”.  I set up a fake e-mail account, sent myself an e-mail about meeting up in private, and let her find it.  I behaved curiously for a couple of weeks, until I knew she was extremely suspicious, and I set myself up with another found e-mail about another meeting.  She followed me to what she thought would be a secret rendezvous with a lover, when in actuality, I was buying a piece of jewelry from a female wholesaler.  When the girl confronted us in the middle of a crowded area (bringing her best friend along as a witness, no less), I explained to her that I was buying her a present for an upcoming event.  I publicly humiliated her, berated her for distrusting me, gave the wholesaler back the jewelry, and “broke up” with her.  Even the friend she brought called her a bitch.  She was so distraught and embarrassed that she never doubted me again, giving me all the freedom I needed to do pretty much whatever I wanted.

Yeah, I was a real motherfucker back then.  Not that I’m necessarily any better now, mind you, but at least I don’t actively go about ruining other people’s lives.  At least, not intentionally.

Look, this post has slightly deviated from its original course.  What began as an attempt to tell you what to look for, has evolved into a treatise on what makes someone an easy mark for an observant and cautious polyamorous assailant.  Those qualities that you think make you a human lie detector can be turned against you more easily than you realize.  It’s because you think you can catch someone every time that people like me, Hank, and half a dozen other guys I’ve known single you out.  I wish I had some grand observation on how to avoid it, but I don’t.  A good cheater will try to use everything they know about you to make sure they don’t get caught, and the Moriarties among us will manipulate you into feeling how we want you to feel.  Similarly, if you want to avoid being the victim of a cheater, you have to do the same thing.  You have to read the cheater.  You have to know who they were before you came along, and who they are now.  As in all human interaction, it’s a constant battle to see beyond what a person puts forth, to what they keep hidden beneath the surface.

Recognize, though, that when you’re dealing with someone like me… that’s precisely how I view it.  It’s a game of mental Chess wherein I am constantly reading your behavior and plotting to out-maneuver and out-think you.  If you don’t approach it the same way, then you really don’t have much hope unless your opponent makes a mistake.  And the best Chess players don’t make mistakes.

Christ, that sounds arrogant, doesn’t it?  Oh well, I don’t think there’s any other way this post can sound, though I promise you that wasn’t my intent.  Certainly I am arrogant, but not, I would like to believe, about this.

Maybe that’s my problem.



  1. Fuck , Bi. Don’t take this wrong, but you are fucking pathological! I curious… “before I began to even consider changing my ways”… Are you? Really? (not trying to be bitchy). I guess, throughout listening to your escapades, the thought of the work on your end never crossed my mind, the actually planning and preparing to fuck with people, manipulate them… I don’t know. It’s kind of crazy, buddy. I don’t even know what to say… Even with all that though, your honesty, your hedonistic focus, that’s your charisma, drawing us in… doing the same to us as all 300+ before, setting up a scene…

    Okay, that’s enough of that shit. To early in the morning for me to be thinking so hard! Again, I’m not judging, even if it sounds like it. Just sharing my thoughts. It’s interesting how much your writing has changed since you’ve gotten home, which is completely understandable, given your situation. It just makes me wonder the emotional/psychological motivation behind it…

    • Has it changed that much? I’d love to hear how it’s changed. I haven’t noticed!

      Also, perhaps “trying to change” is a bit misleading. I am riddled with guilt over the things I do, but I find it nearly impossible to stop. I don’t do most of the things described in this post anymore (points for that, right?), but I can’t help reading people–that’s just what I do. I don’t lie or manipulate people anymore, and I don’t engage in the headgames. I just tell the truth. “I’m married. My wife is at home. I’m just out for drinks.”

      Which kind of works in my favor in some ways. Apparently, a lot of women are drawn to that kind of honesty.

      And I haven’t gone out and actively pursued an extramarital fling since I’ve been home, which I’m exceptionally proud of. But I think about it every day, and it gets harder the longer I go.

      • Okay, first let me preface this by saying I was still on my first cup of coffee for the morning when I commented, and I’ve been told I’m a bitch until at least the third cup… That being said, how has it changed… You have written a few “stories”: the one about the “young” girl and two about Kelly. With the girl story, you blatantly demonstrated your… frustration (?) with yourself. Neither of the Kelly stories had a “happy ending.” And not that it is expected that they should, just an observation.

        Other than those, much of what has been written seems to very introspective, discussing cheating, the types of girls you go for, etc… And I’m not complaining. I love reading what you write, I’m simply trying to understand (too many years working in treatment perhaps). And blogs change. Fuck, where LSAM is now is not even close to what I had intended. And, for me at least, my blog tends to reflect what’s going on with me and in my life (hum… I feel like I keep writing about gay porn an awful lot, what the fuck does that mean?!? Maybe too much masturbation?). I was just wondering if being back home, back to “normal” life increases your thoughts about the infidelities, makes you feel differently about them.

        And I don’t know if it’s honesty that draws women when you tell them your wife’s at home… Women like married men. Maybe it’s that they know it can be commitment free, maybe they figure you’re an “alright” guy. I’m not sure. But I know if you take two identical guys and stick them in a bar or a club, and put a ring on one, he’ll get hit on more.

        And these are just observations, and not necessarily bad ones. It opens you up a little more. Lets your reader see more of you. I could be completely fucking wrong. It’s been known to happen. And, Bi, you get points for everything you do!!

      • Huh… I can see what you’re saying. In retrospect, it does seem like my posts have been a bit more unhappy since coming home. If I had to attribute that to something, I would say it’s because of how happy I am with Ashley apart from my infidelity. Cheating makes one feel guilty anyway, but cheating on someone with whom you are blissfully happy makes things substantially worse, I think. I don’t know if I’ve been more introspective or not, but maybe I think more about my relationship and what my behavior means in the larger scheme of things when I’m home. Might explain why I’m so bummed out all the time…

  2. I can’t even begin to comment on the content of this post … I can say this though … there is a formula to getting women in bed, it’s sold regularly (and I do mean literally sold for $$) and it works. Why? Because every woman wants to believe they are special. They are the one.

    My guy and I used to talk about this regularly. Most guys just want to fuck, but they play on the female need to be special and it’s a short con nothing more. I used to be the same way. I didn’t fully embrace this new reality until one day, I was with my guy and my daughter at the golf range and my daughter and I went to get something out of the car. A man approached me and began to hit on me despite having seen me with my family. Hell, my daughter was next to me.

    In that moment, I had an epiphany … I wasn’t special, I was a mark. I didn’t take it personal, it’s much harder for men to get pussy than for women to get dick. Men have to take every opportunity presented. I thanked him and sent him on his way.

    I think the opposite of this though, is that every man wants to believe he’s got a magic cock at some level though and very few do.

    • It’s kind of a depressing revelation to have, but it’s an important one, I think. But don’t ever think you’re not special. You’re awesome, Gillian. Just… lots of guys are bastards. This one included.

      By the way, that “magic cock” line? Totally stealing it.

        • Gillian Colbert
        • Posted March 9, 2012 at 11:38 am
        • Permalink

        Thank you, m’dear and you’re welcome to steal away!

  3. Hey, Bi. I haven’t been on WordPress much the last few weeks. Catching up on your posts now. I know you have speculated in the past that you might be a sex addict. Wondering if you have ever sought out treatment (therapy, 12-step group, etc)? Your stories have a lot in common with the men I know in my 12-step group.

    • Hey there. I’ve considered it, but I’ve never followed through because I tend to have very negative opinions of therapy in general. I’m glad that so many people can get so much out of it, and I encourage people to go if they believe it will help, but my mind is a bit too engrained in the scientific method to accept such a subjective methodology. Besides, I would always prefer to figure things out on my own. Seems more meaningful that way!

      • Hmm… I can see that about therapy (maybe), but a 12-step group uses a pretty objective method. Everyone has their own path, though. I’m not arrogant enough to think that the one I’m taking is the only way.

        However…. I’ve never know anyone who overcame addiction on their own, just saying.

  4. I am in love with your honesty, and this blog is so well-written. I think you exposing yourself like this is admirable.

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