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You know, I swore when I started this blog that I wouldn’t write a post on how to cheat.  I don’t want people to think I condone extramarital affairs in any way, shape, or form, nor do I want to come across as a misogynistic braggart, boasting about my proficiencies in subterfuge and how many women I’ve bedded.  And it is certainly not my intention to give anyone advice on how to get away with things.

However, today as I was cruising the internet superhighway, I stumbled across an article about male cheaters.  Surprisingly, it wasn’t judgemental, or at least it didn’t come across as such.  Rather, the author discussed the act itself, not its greater meaning or purpose, and how men fail at the procedure.  She suggested that men will always get caught because of women’s intuition, or because men are simply incapable of covering their tracks well enough to overcome the scrutiny of a jealous woman.  Men change after cheating, she wrote, and women will always pick up on it, so don’t ever expect to get away with it.

This was an interesting article, but I detected a hint of hubris in the writing.  Thus I felt compelled to offer my two cents.  Please do not misinterpret the following as bragging.  It’s merely observation.

Cheating is easy.  I’m not talking about finding a willing partner.  That can actually be pretty tricky.  No, I’m referring to the process.  Cheating without being caught is incredibly easy.  So easy that I am amazed so many people get caught.

Well, no, I take that back.  I’m not at all surprised that people get caught, because they don’t approach it correctly.

Ever see that show Cheaters?  That show is basically the Dummy’s Guide to Getting Caught.  You want to maintain a clandestine relationship, or just fool around a bit on the side?  Watch that show, and don’t do what they do.  Simple enough.

But let’s break things down a bit more.  Like all clandestine activities, successfully maintaining an affair requires careful planning and forethought.  And I’m not talking about anything so simple as, “I’m going to the gym tonight honey,” and hoping he/she doesn’t have reason to check in on you.  That’s the sort of thing that gets you caught.  If you intend to cheat and you want to get away with it, then you’ve got to be a con artist.  You have to have your partner’s complete trust, and you have to know them better than they know themselves.

For example, one of the most common things I hear from people is, “You know he/she is cheating when he/she suddenly changes his/her pattern.”  The first place a cheater messes up is by giving their partner any reason at all to suspect them of any wrongdoing.  You can’t suddenly start working late, or going to a gender-specific gym, or whatever else you plan to say to buy yourself a little time away from home.  It has to be believable.  Yeah, people work late sometimes, but that’s so cliché that it automatically sets off warning bells in anyone’s head.  No, you have to make your partner truly believe that there is no emotional reason for you to cheat, nor any physical means for you to do so, because they are such an intrinsic part of your life that it’s simply impossible for you to cheat.  It’s truly the long con.

Me?  I’m busy.  And I mean crazy-ass busy.  From the moment Ashley and I got married, I have worked 10 hours every day of the week, including weekends, because that’s just what academia and original scientific research demand.  I keep odd hours because of video conferences with international collaborators halfway across the world.  I spend entire nights in my office or lab working on manuscripts or observing an experiment.  I meet with students at 6:00 a.m. because that’s the only time they’re available.  Thus, it is entirely plausible that I will be doing these things, giving Ashley no reason to worry or suspect.

Now I can already hear some of you saying triumphantly, “But Bimodal, what if she decides to surprise you at your office when you’re actually someplace else?  Suspicious lovers are known to do that, after all!”

Yeah, I know.  It’s on Cheaters all the time.  But that’s what I mean when I say you have to plan ahead.  I prevent this with arguably the most important piece of the con.

I invite her along.

I know someone’s mind is blown.

The proposal usually goes like this, (face to face, never in a phone call, so I can gauge her physical reaction and respond accordingly):  “Ashley, I’m sorry, but I have to work very late tonight.  I have a manuscript/grant/experimental output/whatever coming up and have to stay until I get at least most of it done.”  (The best cons always have the element of truth.  There is ALWAYS a deadline hanging over my head Damocles-style.)  “I know you’d rather I stay home, but I really need to be up at the office.  Why don’t you come with me?  I’ll set you up on my office sofa with some hot tea and a book, we can take coffee breaks together, and I’ll drive you home whenever you’re ready to go.  And we can still spend the evening together.”

9 times out of 10, she declines, giving me the freedom to do pretty much whatever I want that night.

Note that this works because, most of the time, I really do go to my office, and I really do spend the entire night working.  Such is the nature of my work.  But sometimes, more often than I’m proud of, I get the urge to leave, to go out and mingle.  And then, well… yeah, things happen.  But Ashley never doubts it because I make her a part of it.  It was her decision to not be involved–I didn’t make myself unavailable to her in any way.  That’s why it works.

There is, however, one final thing I want to say in parting.  I call cheating The Long Con because I truly see it as defrauding your partner, a conscious act of deception conducted for the sole purpose of personal gain.  Getting what you want by wholly betraying the trust of someone who has fallen completely head over heels in love with you.  My method works because Ashley trusts me and loves me unconditionally.  She has the utmost faith in me and our relationship.

And that is what makes my behavior so abhorrent.  It’s why shows like Cheaters thrive–because everyone wants to see the bad guy get what’s coming.  And I don’t think there is any way that what I and other habitual cheaters do can be described as anything but loathsome.

EDIT:  One more thing.  You know that 1 time out of 10 Ashley actually agrees and comes to my office with me?  Some of the best times and memories I’ve ever had.  (In case I hadn’t already painted myself as a total asshole and villain, I figured that would do it.)

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27 Comments

  1. Bi – sometimes I’m just rendered absolutely speechless. I don’t know what to say. You make me want to mine your psyche, kick your ass and hug you and tell you we can figure it out all at once as fucking ridiculously sanctimonious as that sounds.

    Just … I don’t know … take care of yourself. Okay?

    • I couldn’t have said it better…I’ve thought the same thing several times…

    • I don’t know if I should be flattered or not? But I’ll take care regardless. Thanks Gillian. 🙂

        • Gillian Colbert
        • Posted March 7, 2012 at 10:59 pm
        • Permalink

        I don’t know about flattered, but I worry about you. I feel a lot of pain and unanswered questions behind your posts and you’ve claimed a heartstring, so now I’m mother henning you. You can always tell me to fuck off, I’ll understand.

      • Never!!! You’re welcome to offer any and all bits of advice and insight you feel are appropriate (or inappropriate, I don’t mind either).

        And there is a lot more behind everything I write. Every post is inspired by something that happens to me. I never sit and wonder about what I’m going to say in this post. I keep a log of things that happen and how they make me feel. Then I sit and let it pour out of me. There is a ton of backstory. I just don’t feel comfortable with sharing it all. Not yet, anyway.

        • Gillian Colbert
        • Posted March 7, 2012 at 11:14 pm
        • Permalink

        The same holds true for me. As open as I am, I can’t encapsulate everything in my posts, though I try. All I can really say, is I’ll read whatever your write and do my best to be an open and objective sounding board … no matter the content.

  2. Raw. I feel as though I’m reading everything you’ve not put to words. Despite your predilections and your “Long Con,” these acts do not define who you are. They’re something you do. Something you abhor in yourself, yes, but I’d still argue not YOU. There’s a beast in you, no doubt, and revealing him further has – for some reason – drawn me closer.

    You are everything to Ashley but faithful with your body. You are a man of many lusts partnered with a woman with only one. I don’t see you as loathsome, I see you as surviving.

    • Well said, Hy!

    • Thanks Hy. Those are awfully kind words I’m not certain I deserve, but I’m grateful all the same!

  3. I really feel for you… If you could, I think you would be faithful to Ashley… You aren’t loathsome, by any degree…
    Does she really love you unconditionally though? Would she love you if she knew you cheated on her? Sorry if that sounds abit nasty…

    • Well, I suppose if you really get down to brass tacks, there’s no such thing as unconditional love (outside of spirituality, of course). There is always a turning point, something that is so unforgivable or repugnant that it disintegrates whatever bonds exist between two people. But I would argue that her love for me, however much I may not deserve it, comes as close to it as is humanly possible.

  4. I don’t get it, I mean I really don’t. I get the whole, “cheating” thing, yes. I remember being quiet about something once with a friend. A guy. I wanted to sleep with him, I never did, but I wanted to. A female friend came up and told me he had a girlfriend. I didn’t know that. We were all sitting together. She lives with someone she told him in front of me. He said he did not know that. She said, “of course because you are both cheaters” which was true. Lol, cheaters are quiet.

    But I don’t get all this “cheating” if I still have my main relationship, my heart with the same person, what is a little side-sex? My husband does not see it this way and my point of view causes a lot of problems, but really why all this Victorian morality?

    • I want to agree. The rational side of me does, in fact. But the emotional side can’t quite get beyond the notion that, if Ashley were to find out, she would be heartbroken. It would ruin her emotionally. She wouldn’t be the same person afterward. So I still feel a lot of shame for it despite what my reason tells me.

      • I am struggling to get it on any level. I want to get it because I know it means destroyed emotionally husband. I am not doing it. It is just everyone makes such a big deal out of it.

        Sometimes fucking really is just fucking. Idk.

  5. I guess some women are just smarter than others.

    • Whoa there. Careful what you imply about Ashley. The girl is sharp as a tack. I wouldn’t have married her otherwise.

      But it’s not about being smart. It’s about being tricked into believing a false reality. You think all those people who fell for ponzi schemes or were otherwise defrauded by pros weren’t smart? Some of them bordered on genius.

      It’s not about being smart, or observant. It’s about the perpetrator reading you, finding your weaknesses, and exploiting them. It’s something I’m quite good at. In fact, believing that one is somehow incapable of being fooled is a quality I have actively pursued in my previous partners, before coming to terms with my behavioral issues and trying to curb them for Ashley’s sake. Frankly, it makes them easier “marks”, to use the con scheme parlance.

      • I should clarify which woman I think is smarter.

        Me, Myself, I like to know people’s dirty little secrets before I consider them close to me, Friends and boyfriends. That is my own stupidity because I knew what my boyfriend was before he became my boyfriend, I should of walked away. Instead I fell In love. He only cheats when he’s stressed or really upset by someone. I try to keep him from doing something he regrets, Such as if he makes plans that are out of the blue and not regular, I give him an alternative place to be without telling him what I suspect are his real plans, he ultimately has to make the choice, I don’t have to give an ultimatum(They don’t work), and when given the choice he always chooses me. But When I met him, He’d just lost everything, His cheating had cost him his marriage, his home, his kids, his friends, for the most part his family and his job. He was a state. And one day his kids are going to grow up and finally understand why his parents broke up and they’ll either be angry at their mum for not just putting up with it to keep the family together(less likely but I have actually witness this sort of confrontation.) Or they’ll be angry with him for being selfish and not thinking about them and how he was cheating on them too. ( You and I know it was nothing to do with selfishness but ultimately that is the general consensuses.) He hates himself for it. And yet I love him. Stupid me.

        Ashley Is smart enough just to accept people at face value and believe she knows every part of you. She gets to live in a happy bliss that some of us may never be capable of. ( I blame my mother. She was incredibly two faced.) And as long as Karma and what ever mystic power runs the universe allows it she can stay in that bliss. Feel as though she is truly connected to another person and know their darkest secrets and highest ambitions. (even if it’s a lie.)

        I also don’t believe you can spot a ‘good’ cheater a mile away. But even you admitted the gym thing is a joke, and would you honestly buy the woman your married to and the woman your seeing on the side the same perfume? You said it your self that changes in behaviour is the give away. Your job affords you miscellaneous hours so it’s not unusual for you to have to work late, but suddenly having to work late especially if you have a nine to five office job and especially since you can probably do all the work at home on your iphone or on your own lap top and bring it into work the next day or email it.

        I just personally think that to get away with cheating, you have to lie to someone from the second you meet them, you have to go through so much effort to cover your tracks so she doesn’t start to get suspicious, you have to be a cold blooded liar and pray your luck doesn’t run out and that person you slept with last week wasn’t the room mate of sally who goes to the gym with Jenny who is Linda’s sister who works in the same company with your other half whose just said in passing trying to make conversation at a boring work party ‘Smith? Oh someone I know went on a date with a Bob Smith who works at [insert company name here] recently, any relation?’

  6. Bi, the fact of the matter is that it is good advice. And when people cheat (most of the time) they are not looking to hurt their partners. At least not intentionally. So, as a matter of presenting facts, it’s good.

    On a personal level, we all have our demons, things that we struggle with, parts of our self that we can’t explain, might not like, but are drawn to embrace nonetheless. You know what you do. You deal with it in your own way. Right or wrong, it is what it is. It is not our job to judge, but to simply listen.

    Here’s to hoping you never get caught, because as much as it will hurt her, I think it will hurt you more…

    • Lord, that’s what I was afraid of. I don’t really want it to be good advice. Not to cheaters, anyway. I would hope that people would use it to help them know when they’re being put on by a more clever cheater. Everyone thinks they can spot a cheater a mile away. (Reference the commenter above you on this list, for example.) Truth is, they’ve just never met someone who was good at it. Not saying a good cheater will never get caught–they just know how to effectively minimize that risk.

      I don’t know what would happen to me if I ever did get caught. I know Ashley would be devastated. I think I would be… I don’t know, humiliated? Or maybe just relieved. I don’t know. But I suspect I would disappear. I’ve always wanted to just take off and explore. That might be the catalyst that gets me moving.

      • Most cheaters don’t get caught. It’s actually a very small percentage… Then there are some whose partners become suspicious, but their unfaithfulness is never revealed. I don’t know. People cheat. There are extremes (present company), but I’ve got so many friends that love their wives/girlfriends, but don’t really think twice about it…. (And I say it that way because most of my friends are guys). As a matter of fact, over the holidays, M’s best friend was home from the West Coast. He was telling me how he thinks he’s going to marry his current girlfriend, and within 5 minutes, he was hitting on a girl, trying to take her home. It’s easy to judge, but the fact remains that life is hard, and we do what we need to, we get by.

        I’ve often wondered about you, and I’m not trying to pry, but you’ve mentioned your guilt… And I know my guilt keeps me from doing it again… I guess, what I’m trying to ask, do you think that there is anything that would make you give it up, all your escapades? Anything that would deter you… Or are you a lost cause? 🙂

  7. I hate the tv show. It makes me mad, they’re all idiots.
    I think it depends on how you’re cheating. Going and occasionally sleeping with women is completely different to a full blown affair. Theres so many different situations cheating comes into.
    It is trust, and denial. Cheating is based on lies. To both the person you’re cheating with, and on.
    If the person you’re cheating on trusts you completely, you don’t even have to be a good liar. It’s the guilt that gets to you

    • I could write dozens and dozens of pages on nothing but the guilt associated with it. Fortunately, I’m quite good at hiding it, and I tend to do things to ease the guilt (e.g., buying Ashley something nice, taking her on a weekend excursion, paying for her and her best friend to have a spa day, cleaning the house, rubbing her feet, etc.).

  8. All thats been said makes me wonder does Ashley know of your sexual escapades from before you too met?

    • She knows a little. I actually think this may be the subject of an upcoming post.

      • I look forward to finding out more.

        Your story is intriguing, your writing beautiful and your sexual prowess hot. Keep up the good work and stay safe and happy. Wishing you the best my friend.

  9. Bi, this is the first time I have come through to read your posts but I have to admit, you view point is definitely thoughtful and honest. I kinda laugh but I kinda wonder are you worried about losing what you have? Either way, have fun and be safe.

    • Hi William. Yes, I’m always afraid of losing what I have. Ashley is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, and I consider myself truly blessed to have her as a part of my life. The idea of losing her is terrifying in a myriad of ways. And yet I do what I do. Don’t ask me why, because I still haven’t quite nailed that part down.

      Anyhow, thanks for stopping in, and for the comment. Cheers!


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