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I like to think I’m good at spinning a yarn.  I’m a storyteller at heart, completely at home when I’m in front of an audience.  Once I get into the zone, Henry Rollins ain’t got nothin’ on me.  It’s probably why I enjoy, and am rather good at, teaching.  Undergrads frequently compliment me on my flamboyant teaching style, how I flail my arms and bounce around and crack jokes and chuck chalkboard erasers across the room.  I’ll do anything to capture and hold another person’s attention.  Their adoration sustains me.

But mine is a face-to-face talent, forged in poor self-esteem, tempered by a desperate need to be accepted, and honed by the overwhelming desire to mate with every conscious female I meet.  It requires eye contact.  Feeling the energy in the room.  Recognizing what the listener wants and finding a way to deliver exactly that.  Some people can’t do it, but I pride myself in knowing that I can, for better or worse.

This skill, however, does not necessarily equate to prose.

I want to be a good writer.  I have no desire to write professionally, with the exception of the scientific publications required by my career, and even those I can do without.  I want it for my own satisfaction.  I believe, deep down, that I am at least above average in terms of written proficiency, and I want that belief to be validated by the glowing positive comments I sometimes receive here.  Unfortunately, I find it difficult at times to produce something I find worthy of submitting to public scrutiny.  They say you should write about what you know, but most people don’t want to hear about science and field work, and it takes a special set of circumstances to produce a riveting field story (reference “Back Road to Crazy” for some rare examples).  Besides, such stories fall outside the purvue of this blog.

The only other thing I know is sex.  And fuck is that hard to write.

I have so much respect for those of you who can write about sex.  The best examples that immediately come to mind are Gillian of Black Door Press, and Hyacinth of A Dissolute Life.  I admire their writing more than I can describe.  I am constantly amazed by the openness and honesty in their writing, and I am envious of their creativity and command of sexual vocabulary.  They can describe things in ways that I just can’t.  They don’t reuse the same words and imagery.  Nothing is recycled.  Everything is fresh.  And I pour over their writing, not because it turns me on (it does, but that’s not the point!), but because I want to absorb their style.  I want to be able to write about myself the way they do, with that same intensity and flair and disregard for societal niceties.

That’s my biggest issue, I think.  Sure, I have a hard time coming up with new ways to describe things, or different words for the same thing (I am not a sexual thesaurus, despite whatever persona I attempt to put forward).  But I get nervous talking about things.  It’s hard for me to be honest.  Much of it is out of concern for being somehow discovered by Ashley, reinforced by the decades-long drive to hide who I am.  But some of what I write here still strikes me as taboo.  I’m afraid to describe a vagina as being a “pussy” or “cunt” because I am afraid it will come across as crass, or even misogynistic.  We aren’t supposed to say things like that in public.  In the bedroom, sure, all bets are off, but in public?  No way champ.  Not without making the people who read this think, “Whoa, this guy is a complete and total prick!”  Then the mighty Index Finger of Rightousness descends upon the DELETE key with a finality usually reserved for an executioner’s switch, and I have earned another not-gonna-follow-this-shit-anymore.

I really need to get over that.  This whole thing began as an experiment with honesty, and censoring or otherwise altering my vocabulary seems to fly in the face of this blog’s intended purpose.  I shouldn’t care about earning followers.  I should care about putting what I think and feel on paper.  (Or on keyboard.  Or monitor.  Shut up.)  But, now that I have earned many regular readers, I am afraid of offending you all and sending you running for the hills.  It’s the same fear that leads me to lie and hide my feelings.  And I don’t want that to happen here.

Doesn’t mean I can’t work harder to improve my writing style, though.  Gillian and Hyacinth, buy a plane ticket to <REDACTED>.  We’ll meet up in a pub or cafe and talk style.  Make it a convention or something we can put on our resumes.  “Eroticon: Writing Your Way Into Your Partner’s Pants”.

Not really.  I’m not a creeper.  (Least I don’t think I am.)

I know, I’m a bit pathetic.

I’ll have another post up soon.  Question is, what the hell am I going to write about…

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25 Comments

    • veronicahaunanifitzhugh
    • Posted February 21, 2012 at 7:56 pm
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    • Reply

    I am prepping to do the Reclaiming Cunt piece in the March showing of Vagina Monologues in Charlottesville, Virginia, USA. Maybe, it will inspire you? 🙂

    I call it cunt. I’ve reclaimed it, “cunt.” I really like it. “Cunt.” Listen to it. “Cunt.” C C. Ca
    Ca. Cavern, cackle, clit, cute, come-closed c-closed inside, inside ca-then u-then cu-then
    curvy, inviting sharkskin u-uniform, under, up, urge, ugh, ugh, u — then n then cun — snug
    letters fitting perfectly together — n — nest, now, nexus, nice, nice, always depth, always
    round in upper case, cun, cun-n a jagged wicked electrical pulse-n (high pitched noise) then
    soft n-warm n — cun, cun, then t — then sharp certain tangy t — texture, take, tent, tight,
    tantalizing, tensing, taste, tendrils, time, tactile, tell me, tell me “Cunt cunt,” say it, tell me
    “Cunt.” “Cunt.”

    • YES!!! I love it!! Now why the hell can’t my creative juices flow into something like that??

        • veronicahaunanifitzhugh
        • Posted February 21, 2012 at 8:19 pm
        • Permalink

        Well…my creativity has gone up, since I have started a blog affair. There’s something erotic about posting very intimate, shameful connections in such an anonymous, voyeuristic medium like the Internet. Please, let me know if you would like to partake. 🙂

      • You know, a torrid internet fling is the one of the few things I haven’t checked off my list of poor sexual decisions during my marriage.

        • veronicahaunanifitzhugh
        • Posted February 21, 2012 at 8:36 pm
        • Permalink

        So, are we excited to do things on the poor sexual decisions during my marriage list, or are we going to avoid the unchecked items? 🙂

      • That is the million dollar question, isn’t it…

        • veronicahaunanifitzhugh
        • Posted February 21, 2012 at 8:41 pm
        • Permalink

        The fabulous thing about million dollar questions is that you only have to answer one.

  1. Writing erotica is hard! It doesn’t get enough recognition for being a tough genre to do. You have to say it in such a way that’s arousing without making people cringe too much. I mean, they’re going to be a little uncomfortable because you reading about an act and it’s getting you going, but they should be so uncomfortable that they click away. You want wet panties not irritated viewers. With that said, you only get better at writing something by just plunging in and writing. Do short 100 word pieces describing part of a sex act. Toss in feelings and thoughts not just the act itself. I like to try my hand at it because it’s so stretching creatively. I think writing about sex makes writing about anything else seem like a piece of cake. If you can describe the way it feels when I man puts his fingers inside a woman or the sounds she makes as she climaxes (and make it sound poetic), you can talk about just about anything else.

    There are other ways to describe a woman’s vagina. I say start there with those words and then work up to the more “graphic” ones when you’re comfortable. Embrace they sexy piece inside you! (Sorry I wrote a book in your comment box. I just think about this topic a good bit). Good luck in your sexy writing.

    • Exactly! But, then again, I didn’t start this as erotica. It wasn’t intended to be sexy to other people. It just turned out that some readers really liked my experiences, and I found myself wanting to share my stories in a more vivid, sexually pleasing fashion. I derive great personal satisfaction out of knowing that, somewhere in the world, a woman is finding pleasure in something I wrote. (GOD is that sexy.) But these aren’t erotic stories–they’re memories that I’m usually not proud of, and I think that gets lost in my attempts to make the stories sexier.

      Thanks for stopping by, hope to see you here again soon!

        • TheOthers1
        • Posted February 21, 2012 at 8:45 pm
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        Aw, real life stories. Wellllll, in that case, frankness is the only way to play it. My life is vanilla so I don’t have neat stories, which leads me to write about them. Therefore I get to pretend I’m experiencing all the things that I’m most definitely not. *sigh*. I post to another site and it’s surprising who wants to read my fantasies. Hm, well, hopefully the words spill forth easier for you. I’ll make sure to stop by and pay you a visit. 😀

  2. Bi, you worry too much. Really. Gillian and Hy. They absolutely fucking rock at what they do. They are by far two of my favorite blogs. And you want to know who else is right up there. You. Is your writing different than theirs? Yes. It’s supposed to be. You are not them. First, and most apparently, you’re a guy. You think different. You talk different. You are different.

    If I have learned one thing through LSAM, it’s about being honest. There are things I didn’t want to talk about. Things I didn’t want to say. But if I want this to work, not just for my readers, but for myself, I have got to be honest. And if people don’t like it, fuck them. They don’t have to read it. They don’t have to like it. In the long run, it’s not for them. It’s for me. And I don’t write about specific sexual experience, as you and Hy do. And when I try, I hate them. But oh well. It is what it is.

    And use the dirty words. They’re hot. And they’re real. Sex is dirty. It’s raunchy. Say fuck, shit, damn, pussy, cunt, cock, dick. Because it’s real. And really, if people are reading your blog, you really think they’re going to be offended that you said pussy? Let me tell you, Bi, if that’s going to offend them, they aren’t even going to get that far into your blog. So, again, fuck them. And if they think you are a “complete and total prick,” well, buddy, you kind of are! But that is one of the reasons I love your blog. Because you’re real. And you can embrace that, even if it’s only here.

    Sorry for the rant!

    • “Well, buddy, you kind of are!”

      That made me laugh out loud. ^_^

      Thanks for the kind words LSAM. Means a lot coming from you!!

      • Ha! Well, I’m glad to make you laugh. What I wanted to do, though, is make you talk dirty! Damn it! 🙂

      • Gillian Colbert
      • Posted February 21, 2012 at 10:19 pm
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      • Reply

      @LSAM … this is why I love you!

      • Awww… *blushing* 🙂 The truth is the truth. I just put it out there!

        • Gillian Colbert
        • Posted February 21, 2012 at 10:35 pm
        • Permalink

        Exactly!

    • Wow – I had no idea that anyone, least of all 2 people, loved my writing style. THANK YOU, you guys! I love your writings, too. Truly.

      Bi, when I started sex blogging I never uttered cunt. Not ever. Then I started finding post after post on other sex blogs and I began to understand that it was a word with a new life. I avoided pussy for years in my 20s as well and for some unknown reason took it back in my 30s.

      I agree with Gill (on her post linked up to this one) that cunt is raw, vagina is clinical, and pussy is hit or miss. In general, words describing our sexual organs are all tied up with taboo (it took me years to call a penis a cock; I was infinitely more comfortable calling it a dick). But the internet says GO FOR IT, let loose, BE FREE. So does maturity and ownership. – Not to say you’re not mature, but I think that with age we all tend to embrace things that once pushed our buttons. It sounds like you’re on this cusp.

      And I agree 100% with LSAM when she says that you have it, too. I can’t believe I missed this post from two days ago because I’m always checking in to see if you’ve updated. YOU. I adore your candid, self-effacing writing style and maybe it’s that reticence to really let go that I find so goddamned charming about you and your sexual tales. I’ll admit to wishing we could meet on more than one occasion. That sex-talk round table?? I’m so in.

      For some more inspiration on words to use, etc, go to the now closed down Leah Lays London (she’s in my blogroll).

      Lastly, I just want to thank you again for your kind words. Blogging about sex is key to some of my happiness and balance in life and it thrills me to know that you like what I put out there, especially since I hold you in such high regard, as well.

      • Hy, you flatter me. I wish I could find the words to express my gratitude, but I’m not that proficient a wordsmith.

        I’m glad you view my blog so positively. It’s a wonderful thing knowing that someone you admire likes what you do. Thanks for keeping up with me, and for being patient with my less frequent update schedule. (Ahh, the demands of the real world.)

        I’ll book the cafe for the round table. 🙂

  3. I am unbelievably honored that you would put me out there as an example of writing to be aspired to. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. It is EXTREMELY hard for me to write the posts I do. I spend weeks dithering about them before I write them and then I hem and haw about clicking publish, but I came to realize that I had a choice … write my honest story or change the entire blog to be strictly fiction. My honest story is not a pretty one.

    I personally find your writing compelling, engaging and often lyrical and beautiful. I will say that I struggle to use words like cunt and pussy in relation to myself, my fiction is much easier. I make myself write these things because I need to get over my inhibitions. The only real advice I can give you is to write not what you know, but what you feel … uncensored. With each post I expect to lose readers, I’m shocked when I receive support.

    I for one, am not going anywhere regardless of what words you use.

    Best wishes!

  4. Sometimes I get too excited to read to the end like this time. I want to hear about field research, I am so curious about science. I feel like my whole life has been about sex.

    that is kind of boring to me.

    You are a wonderful writer.

    • Thank you for that. I certainly don’t think I am sometimes, but it means a lot hearing it!

      Maybe I’ll put up a story from my field life sometime…. And if you’re interested in those stories, check out that book I mentioned above, Back Road to Crazy. Some of the stories are so amazing, I can’t believe they’re true.

  5. I have to say, after perusing your erotica-leaning posts, I love your style. As a writer myself (who is interested in erotica, but hasn’t yet attempted it), I can imagine the difficulty with some of the more specific sex vocab. However, in response to your worry about coming off as misogynistic, I disagree. One of the things I have appreciated most about your stories so far is the way in which you write the women. You write them in an exceptionally humanizing way. They leap off the screen as real people. Real, sexy, beautiful characters. This feeds into the paradox between writing about illicit affairs the majority might see as a degrading or disrespectful act while still making them appealing and decidedly human. Almost sympathetic. Much erotica written by men (at least that I’ve come across) fails to do this more often than not. Yes, you enjoy the sex (understandably), but you also seem to enjoy the women for themselves. At least, you write it that way. This, along with your brilliant imagery, is what makes them so incredibly arousing. Keep it up! Take the risks, I think you can pull it off 🙂

    • Damn, today seems to be all about making me feel good about myself. I need more days like this! ^_^ Thank you so much!!


4 Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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