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Today was the last day of my incredibly long research trip.  Tomorrow, I board a plane and return home, back to my university office, and to Ashley.

Honestly, I’m a little anxious about it.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve done my best to pour my heart and soul into everything I’ve written here, and I think it’s done me a tremendous amount of good.  I’ve become terribly fond of the people I’ve met on here, though our communication has been limited at best.  I have been able to devote a lot of time to writing and talking to people because I haven’t had my usual relationship responsibilities, or the demands of students and administration and university red tape.  But, when I get back, it will be the usual grind.  Office hours.  Students popping in to ask me questions.  Research deadlines.  Manuscripts to revise and submit.  Other manuscripts to review.  Meetings.  More research deadlines.  Code.  Analysis.  More meetings.  More deadlines.  Papers to grade.  More students.  More deadlines.  Then when the day is over, I will need to spend time with Ashley.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I love my job.  Hell, it’s not even a job to me.  It’s play.  I LOVE being a professional scientist, and an educator.  And I love Ashley as completely as I am capable of.  But now I have this third thing.  This anonymous, secret blog that has become tremendously important to me over the past few weeks.  I’ve come to view it almost as a hidden affair.  Writing here is something I crave.  I want to tell my stories.  I want to hear from those of you who like them enough to comment.  I want to read your stories.  I want to know you all, and share with you these things that I can’t share with anyone else.  It’s cathartic.  I feel better after putting things here and receiving such positive feedback and support.

But how will things change once I go back home?  When the usual stressors are placed back in my life?  When the burden of a career and marriage weigh on me again?  Ashley still seems willing to work things out in our physical relationship, which gives me a bit of hope, but I’ve had a lot of freedom these past weeks, and that freedom has given me back the creative spark I once valued so highly.  I’m afraid that spark will diminish as the real world reinforces itself around me, that I will fall back into the pseudo-depressive gloom that defined my personal life and that I worked so hard to keep hidden from everyone.  It’s a disconcerting thought.

I will certainly continue to post here, as often as is possible.  Perhaps not on a daily basis as I have done thus far, but I do have several evenings to myself every week while Ashley is working, and there is sufficient downtime that I should be able to write in privacy.  Not writing doesn’t worry me.  It’s what I will write about, and what it will sound like, that troubles me.  I don’t want to be unhappy again.

Is it weird to say that writing this blog has made me a happier person?  If so, maybe I’m weird, because it has helped me so much.  I said it before, but it’s worth repeating.  I am happier when I write here.  I am thrilled by the comments, and the e-mails, and the random messages from people who love the things I say.  I feel like I’m not such a louse.

I’m don’t know where I’m going with this.  I’m just writing.  My fingers haven’t stopped moving since I sat down and began this post.  This is just stream of consciousness, shoving everything that’s bouncing around in my skull onto the internet.  It just happens to all pertain to my apprehension at returning to my usual life.  Which, incidentally, conflicts with an almost nerve-twitchingly overwhelming urge to get back home, lock Ashley in the bedroom, and have a 26 hour marathon fuck.

No summarizing conclusions for this post.  I’m too nervous to think, and too fucking aroused to sit still.  I love you all, dear readers.  Good night.

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14 Comments

  1. And there was I feeling inadequate thinking you were juggling the real world and its demands with your brilliant blog just like the rest of us ;0) xxx
    I know what you mean about the freedom of expression and its cathartic effect. Sharing and writing are such a natural way for us to express our desires and fears and hopes. The process in and of itself is creative so of course it makes us realise that part of ourselves as we become our art. For me I certainly wanted to be able to make something concrete and artisitic out of what is so traditionally seen as a sleazy kind of relationship. This ‘making concrete’ has also been important to me, to help me to understand my impulses and my compulsions. It was meant ot be a two sided view but it’s becoming increasingly apparent that Schmuck won’t contribute more than the ‘fucking’ entires because they are the ‘glory’ entries (and possibly reveals that that is in fact all he is interested in). That in itself makes me question whether he can be a lover in the long term for me. That’s good because it’s making me consider what I want from an affair and whether he can actually give that to me. Sadly I doubt it. I’m currently in denial about this. I know it. I want to write more about this but that’s tricky if he reads what I’m now thinking isn’t it…? Ha Ha.
    Re-entry into real world orbit is always a change. Yes it won’t be the same but that doens’t matter your blog will evolve and you will write when you can and you will still be learning and most importantly – living. A blog shouldn’t feel like a show or a responsibilty. It should be a pleasure. For you. Now you have life to live and a beautiful wife to love. Catch you laters – as we say over here in London…xxxx F

    • I’m hoping to manage at least 5 updates a week, not because I MUST adhere to a given schedule, but because I enjoy writing them. Plus it sort of clears things out of my mind, and after I’m done, it becomes much easier to focus on technical writing. It’s therapy for both my personal and professional lives!

      By the way, thanks Fuck. I’m always happy to hear from you guys over the pond. 😉

  2. Bi… Good luck! you SHOULD lock Ashley in a room and fuck her for 26 hours. You deserved that 🙂 .

    You and I started blogging right around the same time (my first post was 1/15) so I get how weirdly important this atmosphere has become. I have had to modify my schedule to find time to do what is necessary (and learn to function on 5 hours of sleep), but I have the benefit of being able to do it in front of my spouse. Most evenings are spent with us both in the living room, him watching tv, me typing away. He doesn’t read my blog, but he’s aware of it… If he did read it, he may be a little pissy, but it would not have the detrimental effect that yours would on Ashley…

    So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel for you. Glad you are going home. But we’ll miss your daily posts, for sure. Just don’t stop writing. Now, Go fuck your wife.

    • I’ve effectively functioned on 5 hours a night since 2007. Science never sleeps!! 🙂

      • I started mine in December and it’s an imperative in my life. I have promised myself to keep it secrete, as well, so I may holds self accountable to 100% honesty. The second you let someone in, it all changes.

        Re: your return home: good luck. I’m eager to hear more from you soon.

        xx

  3. I’ve made time over the last year by getting up earlier to blog it’s cathartic and you can’t help but love the way people come together when they truly open up. This is something you do for yourself and you love it, make the time… try to anyway.

    • Oh, I have no doubt I’ll find time to write. I tend to have at least an hour of free time during my work day, between meetings and whatnot, and Ashley works at least three nights a week. I’ll find the time to write. I’m just not looking forward to what my writing will look like.

  4. For a minute there I thought you were breaking up with us and I was about to beg you for a farewell sex story.
    I hope all goes amazingly well with Ashley. Everything else sounds like a piece of cake for you.
    Take care

  5. I’m sure it will all work itself out….
    Yes blogging is a whole new wonderful world. I love it for one and feel rather addicted to it – although I have had to slow down my frequent posts and even more so over the coming weeks – the thought of which is abit of a shame.
    Hope your cuts and bruises are mending well…
    I hope it really works out with Ashley and you get at least half of those 26 hours fucking ; )

    • Gillian Colbert
    • Posted February 13, 2012 at 10:19 am
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    It’s not weird at all. Blogging has brought me peace in many ways. I think it’s because writing and talking are both connected to the subconscious. We discover things we might not have known in the process.


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