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I realized today that I have written fourteen posts in this blog. Some of them have touched on my sexual compulsions, or justification for my behavior. Others have chronicled my sexual exploits. But none of them have really focused on Ashley as more than a mostly asexual being, or my feelings for her. This strikes me as incredibly unfair.

When I first met her, Ashley was sitting at a table in a local bar with a couple of other girls, listening while they chattered away with random passers by. With her toned athletic figure, naturally golden blonde curls, piercing blue eyes, and flawless skin, she could easily have been a model for any skimpy lingerie poster. Or an athletic shoe commercial. Or one of those perfume ads that just show beautiful women sitting in awkward poses. She seemed to steal the light out of the rest of the room, the way she naturally drew the attention of every prowling male and scowling female. She didn’t make any effort to cause this. It was in the way she smiled, honest and vibrant. The way she leaned toward whomever she was talking to, engaging them completely. The way she sincerely thanked the half dozen men who bought her drinks, but just as sincerely apologized to them because she wasn’t “that kind of girl”. She was entirely unaware that she was the center of all activity in that building.

Once we started seeing each other, I discovered that she wasn’t just trying to be polite to the guys in the bar. She was a virgin, and she intended to save herself until she met the man she was going to marry. Not until marriage–that’s a different issue–but until she fell so deeply in love that she could barely breathe. It was a conviction she stuck by despite my best efforts to the contrary. So, being the horrible human being that I am, I made it my goal to make her fall in love with me. I had no interest in her beyond fucking her. I didn’t care about her ideals. I just wanted to be inside her.

Five months later, I succeeded. Ashley gave herself to me in every way possible. I won. But imagine my surprise when I realized that I had somehow fallen just as hard for her. The revelation hit me hard in the middle of the night, when I woke up beside her and saw her sleeping, curled up beside me. In that moment, at four in the morning, I knew that this woman was something more than just a good lay. She had somehow become my reason for… well, everything. Everything I did was for her, not because she asked it of me, but because I had never known anyone like her, someone who gives all of herself to take care of the people in her life, whose mere presence can monopolize the attention of a crowd and make you believe everything is going to be okay. She was pure. And I was deeply, deliriously, in love with her, more intensely than I had ever loved anyone or anything before her. When she woke, she smiled and looked at me through sleepy eyes.

“Ashley, will you marry me?”

“…Of course I will.”

It was like she’d been waiting for me to ask her for years, as though our marriage was an inevitability that I somehow hadn’t yet acknowledged.

This is the way I remember her. The years have gone by, and her appearance has changed in minor ways associated with maturity and professionality. But these images have stayed with me, burned into my memory, as clear now as they were at that moment in time. Ashley is, without a doubt, the single most beautiful person I have ever known, inside and out. I sometimes think her whole purpose in life is to make other people happy, and to make them feel beautiful. It is a purpose to which she is particularly well-suited.

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22 Comments

  1. How sweet and heartfelt. My boyfriend said something similar to me tonight and it filled me with more love than I thought I’d ever find. He adores me – body, soul and mind- and that’s one of the most charming and delicious things I have ever heard. Make sure you remind Ashley often how you feel about her. Those “aw” moments are precious.

    • Thanks TWTG. I think the word “bittersweet” is more appropriate though, (it’s quickly becoming my blog’s motto in the back of my mind), given the preceding posts, and the purpose of the blog. But I do love Ashley, and I tell her so often.

      • Yes, after I commented I caught up on your previous post in “Marriage” and I saw the bigger picture. I’m lucky (or the BF) is, in that we have a similar sex drive (always in overdrive) and there’s no such thing as TOO MUCH. Now, this may just be me showing off, but it might have something to do with our age difference. Since I’m 40 and he’s 29, our sexual appetites are very much on par. Lucky lady, lucky boy.

  2. Lucky indeed! Don’t ever let it go, TWTG.

  3. Hmmmmm. And here’s the London perspective of course. Lots of questions for you – as ever. I don’t doubt your sincerity at that moment in time or that you love you wife. I love my husband. He’s also a very ‘good’ person and I admire that. I am wondering however if you have a virgin/whore complex though? ‘Good girls’ are shiny and blonde and for keeps – prefferably on a pedestal. ‘Bad girls’ like Dana are for fucking and showing your sexual side to perhaps…? Have you ever fucked Ashley like an animal – let go with her? Or would that change the way you feel about her? Does she know you in that way? Did you want to possess her because she was a challenge and everyone else wanted her..? Why did you propose so soon – after months it sounds like? Is she ‘good wife’ material. A good person to settle down with…?

    For my part, I know I chose a man with a good heart and deep soul – someone who made me feel safe when I had a great deal going on emotionally. I was hiding my deviant dark sexual self – something I was trying to get away from. He was a safe and good and honest choice. He still is. He is not a ‘bad boy’. He cherishes me. But he is not my sexual sparring partner. He doesn’t know my deep black heart of desires. He knows I’m a minx, he knows I’m very sexual but I’ve never been my whole sexual self with him. That scares him. I’m truly wild – feral. He calls some of my pervious BDSM dabbling a perversion (not in a cross way but just matter of fact) as I have no boundaries and I feel is no right or wrong in anything that is consensuaI. He says I have no stop button – he’s right. That’s why I need my lover to challenge me like that. To experiment with. To push me. For me to push him. To go deeper and deeper. I say to Schmuck you can do anything you want with me – I mean it – it turns me on and it feels liberating to let go.

    Life is not ‘hearts and flowers’. Life is tough and real and full of flaws. Our husbands and wives see that in us and love us anyway – that’s the measure of an enduring partnerhsip. With lovers we can explore fantasies and our sexuality. My husband castigates me for wanting an open relationship and says I shouldn’t hand myself over to ‘cowboys’. My belief is that you can love and desire more than one person at a time – certainly two. I feel no less love for one man or the other but I feel a different one for each. I’m OK with that – society however isn’t. ‘Fuck’ – xxx

    • Fair points, Fuck. I proposed to her fairly early, yes, because I realized just how much she had come to mean to me. With the exception of my sex addiction, Ashley knows everything about me. All of my history, the mistakes I’ve made, the horrible trouble I’ve caused, the shit that happened to me that I would never dream of telling anyone else, not even here in my anonymous blog. And she’s never judged me for it, or held it against me. She helped me work through some of the issues I had, and I became a stronger, more confident person because of her. Small wonder I fell so hard for her.

      And yes, Ashley and I have done quite a bit together, and I’ve let myself go a few times. She’s even tried a few roleplay scenarios and things in public that just blew my mind. She’s got a deviant in there somewhere, I just can’t figure out how the hell to draw it back out!

  4. lovely, she sounds just lovely.

  5. ooh my… this is very nice. 🙂 You two are engaged and all that stuff? 🙂 Look at you … I’m happy for you honey! Very happy.. you can’t see me, but I’m smiling from ear to ear on your behalf.

    • We’ve actually been married for several years now. She’s my inspiration, my best friend, and my true love.

      You should read through some of my other posts, though. My marriage ain’t all daisies and rainbows.

      • Well… now, is anyone’s? 🙂

      • Oh. I see what you mean now… so … uh … geez, does she know? Like, that you’re out and about with other women? (insert a furrowed browed, curious expression here please)

  6. That is a resounding no. Ashley has no idea how deeply I am obsessed with sex, or that I have cheated on her numerous times.

    • May … I ask you a question? How does one … love one person, yet be involved with someone else? You don’t have to answer me, I am curious though.

      There was only one time I dated two people at the same time in my mid 20’s (I’m 45 now), I knew I wanted the one and not the other. Neither being the best choice in hindsight because it was just a game. However, I knew and the more feelings I had for the one, the less I enjoyed anything with the other… after a while, there was no thrill of the game I unwittingly got myself into.

      My heart, wouldn’t allow it. You see? My confusion comes in, and it’s not my intention to judge, is how you are so in love with one person, yet can play with another… I can’t do it. 🙂 It’s not in my DNA … so to speak. Again, you don’t have to answer me at all… It’s just … a curious thing to me.

      • A fair question. And don’t worry about asking such things. That’s one of the reasons I started this blog to begin with.

        Honestly, I don’t now. I have cheated hundreds of times on every girl with whom I have had a relationship. I have cheated less on Ashley than others, but I still do it. I can’t quite explain why I do what I do. It’s not as though I say to myself, “I’m going to have sex with someone else tonight.” Events just play out that way. Of greater concern to me is why I can’t stop myself from doing it, despite the extreme guilt I feel after cheating, and even while cheating. I know what I do is wrong, and I have developed a strong sense of self-loathing because of it, because I do love Ashley. She deserves a hell of a lot better than this.

        I often wonder if I am a sexual addict, and actually wrote about it in a previous post (my second one, I believe). But I haven’t been diagnosed as an addict, because I haven’t been to a psychiatrist about it, for two reasons: 1) I think they’re all quacks, and 2) I don’t want to discuss my situation outside of complete anonymity. So I made this blog. A place to write about what I do and why, get feedback from other people about things, and hopefully find some resolution on my own. Maybe if I can’t, I will pursue the professional help route, but I would first have to be convinced that I am wholly incapable of finding a solution on my own. Does that make sense?

  7. Thank you for responding… well they’re not simply playing out in this way, you’ve gone like to the bar with the tatoo girl and looked for it. So it’s like, you’re looking for it and you find it. It’s there and there’s lots of people who are going to so, why not? Kind of like a “because you can thing”… know what I mean?

    You know, I’ve had more self help through reading and learning and googling and books than any other way ever, well and talking to people too. For myself it feels like being put in a box. Which I understand it could be helpful to see a therapist and I’ve gone myself when I was younger, the one guy hit on me in a closed session, had to report him. Another guy was a frigging pastor of all things and he was freaky as hell and I got out of there REAL quick… manipulative curr that he was. I tried that route, not saying it is not valuable, for sure with the right person, whose quick and paying attention … THAT would have been excellent. Personally, I needed someone smarter than me and strong minded, articulate and lays it out there flat, in a gentle way that doesn’t make me fight him/her. This is a rare combination I think. Yes, what you’re saying makes sense… I understand where your coming from.

    It’s a high… without a doubt. It’s not my intention to make you feel like crap or anything… I asked, I think because I am curious and also because I am afraid something like this, could happen to me. That’s the truth.

    It’s almost like… you beat yourself up like… err … I hesitate because we’ve just met and I don’t want to word something in a way that seems judgmental. I read the post where you’d addressed someone about betrayal and … it’s like a continuing pattern for you almost as if … like, If you’re doing it, it’s being done before it’s done to you, but logically you know that won’t happen.

    Course there’s the whole idea of not being compatible with who we’re with … that can happen too. I have to go soon, but I appreciate the conversation.

    • That’s always the alternate solution. When I wonder if I have some kind of sexual obsession, I also entertain the notion that, maybe I really am just a scumbag. I would like to think that’s not the case, but it’s rather hard to not portray oneself in that light given the circumstances.

      I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. I find my behavior a difficult thing to characterize.

      • I hear ya … you’ll figure it out one day. I don’t know if you’re a scumbag, whatever it is, whatever reason there is, some where in your heart is your answer. I don’t have it … you do though. It’s in there some where. Much like my answers for the things that bother me are. Ya know?

        I guess this has been going on a very long time for you… from what you’ve said. Whose to say why people do the things they do.

  8. She sounds just lovely and has definitely brought out the romantic in your writing…
    I know things aren’t as rosy since – but you still love her.
    Have you ever thought of telling her about your sex addiction – without going into the ‘fucking other women’ details?

    • Thanks, Wife. I really appreciate that. This was a surprisingly difficult post to write. I try to be honest when I write anything on here, but I find it hard to talk about Ashley and what she means to me sometimes.

      I’ve often considered talking to her about the the potential for sex addiction, but I just can’t imagine any scenario in which we discuss it without me confessing what I’ve done, and I’m just not prepared to do that yet. Maybe someday, but I am almost certain that would result in losing her. Whatever wrongs I’ve committed, I’m not prepared to risk that.

  9. i liked this post a lot. i felt that not only did it put a face to the name (so to speak, because you do write so well and i could easily fill in the gaps to get an idea of who she is and what she represents) but it also illustrated your conflict more. it is obvious that you do love this woman and, without sounding like a cunt, why you hate yourself for cheating on her.

    i think that dichotomy is what makes this blog so intriguing. that you have this amazing love in your love, that in many ways you respect, and then in others, not so much. and this is also very human. i’ve never cheated on anyone, (but with people, sure, it’s not my relationship so who gives a fuck) so i can’t imagine the guilt you must feel (although you express it well with your blogging). but i think this post really gives you more depth.

    anyhow, i’m sure throughout our mutual blogging more will be discovered and more comments will be made. but thank you for allowing us into this part of your life.

    cheers

    lynn

    • Thank you, Lynn, not only for the compliments to my writing, but for the support as well.

      Incidentally, it was never my intention to force any characteristics on this blog, but I do find the term “dichotomous” to be highly applicable to me. Hence the pseudonym.


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